Director: Fred Wolf
Starring: Anna Faris, Emma Stone, Colin Hanks
Tagline: "They wanted a role model. They got a Playmate."
Random Trivia: Fred Wolf's only other directorial effort was Strange Wilderness, also released in 2008. My couch is comfy. Happiness is a Bong You Can Catch.
The House Bunny.
Lets be honest - this was not my selection. In fact, I doubt it's any guy's selection. Face it - if you want porn, you go on the net. Wank to that. Lame comedies with chicks in skimpy outfits (or lame dramas with chicks in skimpy outfits) are normally best-suited as straight-to-DVD fare appealing only to complete movie geeks and hornball thirteen-year-old boys.
So of course, this came by way of the ex-GF, technically her 15 year old sister - who, I should add, has given it a thumbs up. Was she right?We shall see.
Before taking even a single puff, or watching a single frame, I had the following condition: There had better be tits. Hot chicks, and tits. EPIC tits. The kind of tits you write home to mom about.
Wait. Back that up.
EPIC. TITS.
And for the first half, the movie delivered. No nudity, sure - and I bet half of you just stopped reading - but cleavage galore. Opening credits - hey, it's Happy Madison. At this point, I'm feeling a bit more happy myself. Could this actually be decent? Maybe not good, but decent?
As a bonus, I do like Anna Faris, a.k.a the chick from Scary Movie who took the mother of all cum shots.
Random character thoughts: She reads? Really? Well whatever. There was apparently some sort of character development at this point, but I was otherwise occupied, only to be dragged out of my happy stupor by the on-screen bartender's "special twist" that he claims to have added to the drinks. Ugh. There's some innuendo there I don't even want to consider.
My notes, at this point, are getting wavy. Apparently, I'm enjoying the booty shaking on screen, as my last comment states "Booty shaking- I like it already." For all my bitching about tits, I'm actually more into the A part of T&A.
At some point, the plot has regressed - erm, progressed, sorry - and our bouncy playboy bunny protagonist has been booted from the Playboy Mansion, and tens of readers out there are cursing the tongue twister I've just created. Seems the other girls don't want her to be Miss November. Who cares, you can all be Miss November. Oh, right, it's Playboy - so softcore I've been reading it since fifth grade and even then it was weak.
Dumped from the flashy digs, our Bunny - her name is Shelley, but I'll just call her Anna Faris, or our Bunny - hits the road, and stumbles upon a sorority house - apparently staffed/mentored by stuffy old broads who haven't had their gears greased in decades, and populated by your typical snooty sorority bitches. There must have been a type-casting call. Where the hell are the orgies and underaged drinking?!? This has got to be the lamest "hot sorority house" ever!
Too dumb and not bitchy enough to fit in with the rich crowd, the newly homeless Faris heads to the lamest sorority ever - Zeta house -missing the Z&E from its sign, giving us an almost laughable (thanks to me being baked at this point) "at least you still have T&A" line.Except they don't. Other than the obviously hittable, hot chick in ugly girl clothes and glasses lead sorority girl (Emma Stone from Superbad), there's not a looker in the bunch. You've got the stereotypical goth - holy shit it's Edward Furlong! Fuck, dude, Robert Patrick's been looking for your ass... and something that, at this point, is either a dude in drag or a very ugly girl - I'm really not sure. Plus some chick in a body brace, and random other characters...I think one qualifies as a midget. I'm going to lay it all out at this point. I'd fuck a midget. If you're offended by this, please exit to the upper right.
Plot at this point: save the sorority house by getting 30 new members.Playboy chick is going to be the house mother, and incest never sounded so good.
We move into the usual crap - they hold a car wash to raise money, and Emma Stone, instead of going all wet t-shirt for us, goes wet pants,and looks like something I have hidden away on my hard drive somewhere. Next up - Faris must polish the turds and teach them to behot. My initial exuberance at the hot opening has at this point wilted into a growing acceptance that, while the Faris character is actually a pretty decent satire on vapid blond stereotypes - by being an over-the-top vapid blond stereotype - this movie will suck hard in the second half. Pun fully intended, just not in a good way. How does someone with no car hold a car wash? Wait...they wash the cars. Riiigght. I may be higher than I thought.
Some secondary storyline about Faris hooking up with a random dweeb is boring the shit out of me. I guess it's supposed to add "layers" to the movie. Add layers? I want them off!!!
God that ugly chick... I can't get over.. .it's a MAN BABY! Kill it with fire!
At this point I'm going back into a stupor, but a less happy one.
Random thoughts:
I hate Karaoke.
Nipples of the face. "The eyes are the nipples of the face." This is an actual line from the movie. My actual thought that very moment -I'm supposed to look at the bitch's face???
Lets sum up the rest of the movie, shall we?
a) My dinner of Arby's was yummy, and two sandwiches for 5$ is awesome.
b) Dressing obviously cute girls up in ugly clothes and giving them glasses does not make them less cute.
c) Dressing a man up in girls clothes DOES make he/it/her hideously ugly and I still want to KILL IT WITH FIRE (or, as the girl next to me said - "thin the herd - kill the weak/ugly one of the pack." Although it looks like she could clobber me).
d) After the magic "ugly to hot" conversion, you know all will turnout well, and some moral message about always being yourself will play out.
Look, I'll level with you. At this point in the movie, I don't even care. She gets the guy they keep their sorority blah blah. If you rent this, watch the first half, then turn it off, doze off, or, in the likely case that you're with the girl who forced you to get this, just smile, pretend to watching, and hope you get head later.
Overall Rating: 1/4 Baked (2 out of 5)
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