The Gate (1987)

Release Date: 1987
Director: Tibor Takács
Starring: Stephen Dorff, Christa Denton, Louis Tripp, Kelly Rowan, Jennifer Irwin
Tagline: "... pray it's not too late!"
Random Trivia: Director Takács is a Hungarian who got his start in Canadian television. He's done plenty of B-Movies since, but The Gate remains a classic. Stephen Dorff is young enough to be unreconizable now; this was his first film role.

Winding down the B-movie marathon, we have a classic: The Gate.

The Gate creeped me out as a kid, although looking back, it's pretty laughable, what with the CGI ghoulies and cheese effects. Still, this is the movie that made me want to dig a huge hole in my back yard to see what I could find. It's the movie that made parents yet again freak out about satanic messages on heavy metal records - which might actually open the gates to hell!!! Muhahahaha!

Wow this shit was fun back then. It's still pretty fun, but lets be honest, it hasn't held up the way some of its comtempories have.

You might know the story here, and if you don't, it's pretty self-explanatory: a bunch of kids led by Stephen Dorff open the gates to hell via a hole in his backyard. Well, technically, some idiot teenager does most of the damage - aren't the older kids always fucking things up for the tykes? This is the Stand By Me effect I think.

The entire thing is conveniently explained by the liner notes of a heavy metal record, and soon these tiny little stop-motion demons are chasing them. That's somewhat like being scared that Gonzo is going to go all muppet-badass and kill you, but hey, it's the 80s - stop motion/claymation monsters were scary, damn it!

The kids wind up on the run while their parents are away, of course, and at first the older crowd doesn't believe what's happening. Worse, they refuse to call the old farts for help. Please remember, this is before 12 year olds carried glocks...

Oh yea - and there's the classic freaky eyeball in a hand scene!

I adore this flick, no matter how dated, but I'll get to that in a sec. Basically, this movie is fun under any condition, and since it's not a hard R horror, it's a good way to introduce your little bro/sis/cousin to scary movies if you're stuck minding the brats.

I'm going to finish up by saying something that would likely piss a few people off: I love the Gate, have nothing but fond memories of it, but this is one of those rare films begging for a remake. It has no particular star. It's not dear enough to rape anyone's childhood - but it's a cool concept that could definitely be updated and become a little darker (note: after a little digging, it seems a remake is being mulled - by Alex Winter of Bill and Ted fame?!?).

Overall Rating: Half-Baked (3 out of 5)

Mother of Tears (2007)

Release Date: 2007
Director: Dario Argento
Starring: Asia Argento, Cristian Solimeno, Adam James, Coralina Cataldi-Tassoni, Jun Ichikawa, Moran Atias
Tagline: "What you see does not exist. What you cannot see is truth."
Random Trivia: Mother of Tears bears the subtitle "The Third Mother" and is the third film of a trilogy. Suspiria (1977) and Inferno (1980) are the other two.

I'm not sure whether or not this really belongs amidst some of the B-Movie cheese examined over the past while. Dario Argento is a horror legend, although a lot of westerners may not know him all that well, and Asia Argento has been rising up as a scream queen following in her father's footsteps (less-than-hardcore horror fans may know her from Land of the Dead).



However, I do take issue with any film series that waits years and years for the final installment. The look and feel just isn't going to be the same. Technology has moved on. You saw it with Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I'm a huge apologist for that movie - I actually enjoyed most of it - but the scenes that dragged it down all involved more modern film techniques (with the worst offender being the obvious - CGI).

Having said that - Mother of Tears handles it well. The effects stick to practical, prop and make-up based for the most part. Not that it matters too much - I'm pretty sure I haven't seen Susperia, and I think I saw bits of Inferno at some point during a late night airing - but I don't even remember it. The first two films are familiar enough by reputation alone, however, so I actually had pretty high hopes for this one.



Gore and brutality wise, it doesn't disappoint. This is a gory movie, but unlike the recently reviewed festival darling End of the Line, it doesn't feel like someone is trying to force you to be shocked.

My baked notes are not helping a lot, and I did start passing out partway through. So this is going to be another one of those Fully Baked Reviews where we peter out towards the end. Heh. Peter.

Asia Argento is the hot factor that brought me to this, but she looks rather bland in it. Damn.

The witches at times just remind me of bitchy, trashy party girls but I think that was partially the intent.



Back to gore - one really cool scene has a girl being slaughtered - disemboweled - and having her intestines wrapped around her throat, choking her. This kind of creativeness goes a long way since, after all, horror movies are really all about the kills.

Stupid monkey. I don't know why that's even in my notes. I'm assuming there was a monkey.

Never read a strange language out loud! It always unleashes something!

There's some kind of plot about how Sarah Mandy's (Argento) mom died defeating the Mother of Sighs, and now the witch known as the Mother of Tears (Moran Atias) has come for the daughter. Or something. After she's released unto the world, all sorts of horrid things happen - rape, murder, Shia LeBeouf... (no, he's not in this!).

Ok here's my final roundup on Mother of Tears - it kept my interest enough, baked, until I passed out, to want to go back and watch it again, and this time make my way all the way through.

Overall Rating: Half-Baked (3 out of 5)

My Name Is Bruce (2007)

Release Date: 2007
Director: Bruce Campbell
Starring: Bruce Campbell, Grace Thorsen, Taylor Sharpe, Ted Raimi
Tagline: "Kick Some Ash."
Random Trivia: Campbell has been in all three Spider-Man movies, appeared on The X-Files, and built a back lot set on his own property where all the exterior shots in the movie took place. Yup, that's random!

No B-movie review-a-thon could ever be complete without the inclusion of a Bruce Campbell title, and to be honest, it was this, or The Man with the Screaming Brain.



Campbell directed this title and shot portions of it (see the random trivia) on his own property. It saw a limited theatrical run as he toured around the United States showing it, and aside from that, is pretty much your standard direct to DVD, Video on Demand sort of title. This is not Evil Dead I/II, Army of Darkness or Bubba Ho-Tep, this is absolute B-movie Bruce.

Before we go too much further - time out for the obligatory Bruce Campbell love-in. The guy really is God's gift to B-Movies.

That said, some are awesome, some are horrible (in a bad way), some are horribly awesome (sometimes intentionally, sometimes not), and some just... are.

I'd love to come out and say that My Name is Bruce is awesome, or horribly awesome, but in all honesty, it's middle-of-the-road. It just is. It exists mainly for fans, so from that perspective - it's a lot of fun if you love the guy, and I do. If you don't like Bruce Campbell or don't have the first clue who the hell he is - My Name is Bruce won't win you over.



The actual plot? A kid (with the worst emo/punk rock hairdo ever... I'd say that was the blunder of an untalented hair stylist on set, but I've actually seen kids wearing hair that retarded) obsessed with Bruce Campbell winds up taking him back to his home town when an ancient demon is unleashed by way of a curse.

The monster is very cheese. The locals take Bruce for the real monster-fighting deal, and Bruce, playing himself up as an arrogant asshole, goes along - putting them all in harm's way.



There's a love story with a local for Bruce. Bruce giving it his usual charm. Some horrible supporting actors. And some extremely random external cut scenes... very campy.

So if you love Bruce, give this a spin. If you don't love Bruce - go with Army of Darkness or Bubba Ho-Tep first.

Overall rating: 1/4 Baked (2 out of 5) however, if you're a Bruce fan, I'd bump this up to a 3 out of 5.

Sand Serpents (2009)

Release Date: 2009
Director: Jeff Renfroe
Starring: Jason Gedrick, Tamara Hope, Elias Toufexis, Sebastian Knapp
Tagline: "Terror Lies Beneath."
Random Trivia: Star Jason Gedrick appeared in both Iron Eagle and Born on the Fourth of July.

Wow. Now this - this is low budget cheese. Of course, Sci-Fi (soon to be SyFy, just shoot me now) also greenlit The Man with the Screaming Brain, so we shouldn't be surprised.

One thing Sand Serpents will never be accused of is false advertising. The movie is about... Sand Serpents. Attacking a U.S. military team fighting the Taliban in Afghanistan. Think Termors, with military guys, fighting low-budget looking Sandworms from Dune. That pretty much sums up this movie.

It's a study in stereotypes, as any cheese B-movie really is. You have the gruff sergeant hiding a soft side and kind heart. He also happens to be black, so he died first. You've got the tough ghetto chick who knows how to boost a car when required. The wussy, constantly complaining guy (thanks to James Cameron's Aliens). The bitchy ex-girlfriend as a boss.



Jason Gedrick plays Stanley, the unit leader. I suppose he's the star. His ex, Henle (Tamara Stone) happens to be along for the mission, tasked with judging whether or not a precious stones operation is, well, operational or not. Oh, yeah, they mostly just get one name.

Even high, thanks to how cardboard each character is, I can at least follow along with who's who! Yay!



The worms do obvious stuff like leave mounds that no one notices initially. And even when we do finally see one, the script gets confused - switching between singular and plural. It wasn't til about two thirds of the way in that we get confirmation of multiple worms, not just one. They also switch between calling them worms, and sand serpents. The latter kicks in about halfway through.



That's right - they down a fucking chopper!

The movie actually gives a little war commentary, showing both Taliban fighters and friendly locals. Surprisingly, this wasn't completely horrid. If it's on, watch it. Don't go out of your way for it, but if you're bored... there's worse movies out there. Several of which I've reviewed recently.

Overall rating: 1/4 Baked (2 out of 5)

Return to House on Haunted Hill (2007)

Release Date: 2007
Director: Víctor García
Starring: Amanda Righetti, Cerina Vincent, Erik Palladino, Tom Riley, Jeffrey Combs
Tagline: None. House on Haunted Hill had "Evil Loves to Party" - I guess evil just doesn't party like it used to.
Random Trivia: Combs is the only returning actor from the first movie. This is Victor Garcia's first feature length English language movie. I'm baked. Erik Palladino is a former MTV Vee-Jay. That sounds way too much like...

There are a couple of signs that your movie may be considered for the straight to DVD, low budget fare:

A) Your movie is a sequel... and only one actor is returning.

B) Your movie is a sequel to a remake - and the remake wasn't very good.

C) That one returning actor? It's not the star from the first film. It's a supporting role. And the star has been killed off, off-screen, and even her ghost is being played by someone else.

With A, B, and C firmly secured, Return to House on Haunted Hill (I'd like to buy a T, H, and E, Pat) goes through the motions of recreating the ever-so-popular group of pretty twenty-somethings stuck alone overnight in a haunted house scenario. Oh, and the backyard has a bit of a drop.



This time out, though, it's about a group of them being forced into the place by a pack of gun-wielding mercenaries looking for an ancient relic. On the other side of things is lone returnee Jeffery Combs' Dr. Richard Vannacutt, who seeks this idol the way Indiana Jones seeks a relic - with good intentions, but no real forward planning, because "it belongs in a museum."

Combs, while I'm at it, is the only one who can really act, although new lead Amanda Righetti, who takes up the reigns as Ariel Wolfe, sister to Ali Larter's Sara Wolfe from the first movie, isn't too shabby either.

Let's set the stage:

Sara Wolfe has committed suicide, or so it would seem. Sister Ariel investigates, only to meet Dr. Vannacutt, who claims that Sarah had agreed to return to the house to help him seek the statue of Baphomet, an ancient relic Vannacutt has been seeking for years and that is believed to be the center of the House's power.

Only flaw - Erik Palladino as Desmond, former student of Dr. Vannacutt, who has hired a bunch of mercs, and has a mole inside Vannacutt's inner circle that alerts him to the location of the statue - putting him on the offensive, taking Vannacutt, Ariel, Vannacut's assistant, and Ariel's love interest Paul hostage within the house.

And, of course, they get locked in.



In case you don't remember, the reason the house is haunted - other than the statue - is that a creepy doctor once experimented on psychiatric patients there. How original.



Once again, like with Bitten, this film's main attempt to save itself is via hot bi-sexual girl on undead girl action. Which leads to:



Ugly undead rooting boobs.

And aside from that, it's just going through the motions. Palladino's Desmond never comes off as really badass, nor to most of the mercs. The ghost sequences just aren't scary, although one or two might be deemed creepy. Low on the jump scares - and here's a little rant: Jump scares are normally overused, but honestly, this movie really, really needs them. If the rest of the movie isn't scary, at least a couple jolts keeps the viewer on the edge of his seat, albeit for the wrong reasons.

Alas, there's almost no fun to be had here. I'm sitting watching the action unfold thinking "what the fuck" for about a third of the movie. Characters fall into the usual traps.

Oh, and the statue. Don't even get me started on why, when you shoot it, it won't budge, but you can pry it loose with your bare hands.

Logic. Gotta love it!



This pulls a 2 mostly because it's better than Hammer of the Gods and End of the Line, so I can't justify giving it a 1. That by no means is an endorsement. Unlike Ariel, do not go in.

Overall rating: 1/4 Baked (2 out of 5)

End of the Line (2007)

Release Date: 2007
Director: Maurice Devereaux
Starring: Ilona Elkin, Nicolas Wright, Neil Napier, Emily Shelton, Tim Rozon
Tagline: "The End is Coming."
Random Trivia: Premiered at the Toronto International Film Festival.

Wow. I can't begin to explain just how this movie went wrong. My high was gone by the end of the movie so the coverage of that will be a little more clear.

To start, my completely randomly baked thoughts:

- On a train. Suddenly a chick is drowning in blood after being on a train. Huh?

- So there's an Asian girl looking scared in train station - of ghosts or subway gropers? Then she sees a guy with a rotting, maggot infested face... it still could go either way. She finishes by hopping in front of the rush hour shuttle

- Ok sure fuck in the dead train car that's really creepy... good idea... that'll end well!



These eyeless guys are some sort of harbinger of the apocalypse, or something. Ghostly and scary, supposedly.

Alright well if you can't tell, End of the Line is basically a movie set in the subway. Too high to follow much of the plot but I came down quick. You have a doomsday cult killing everyone they can to "save" them from the coming apocalypse. Yeah, another one of those.



I suppose this movie has something to say about religious conservatives, cults, and the extreme right. I'm sure there's some sort of reference to the Tokyo subway attacks, or something. Maybe. It just... falls apart. It's gory, but not in a good way. It goes for realism at one turn then over the top at the next. Case in point - a beheading scene, there the sword in question doesn't quite go all the way through. Shocking. But then throw in a pregnant woman being stabbed, laid next to her dying boyfriend in an embrace, and her now-aborted child ripped from the womb and placed in her arms.

There's ways that scene could have been effective. In this case, done for shock value alone.... I didn't care. Other than to ask "what was the point of that?"

I have no idea who anyone listed in the cast even is. This made the festival rounds and actually won a few awards. A lot of people will probably find it decent. The ending adds in the mandatory horror twist, which almost negates anything the film had to say during everything up to that point.

Overall, it's not a fun B-movie, it's not good as a straight horror, and it just doesn't work.

I will throw out one positive though - it's not as bad as Hammer of the Gods.

Overall Rating: Buzzed (1 out of 5)

Bitten (2008)

Release Date: 2008
Director: Harvey Glazer
Starring: Jason Mewes, Erica Cox, Richard Fitzpatrick
Tagline: "Relationships can be Draining."
Random Trivia: Jason Mewes really wasn't acting in the Jay and Silent Bob films... and he's really not acting here! But we still love him. Discovered by Kevin Smith at a gas station. Seriously. He's worked at a video store and the Quick Stop. Sound familiar?

I'm giving this review the subtitle of "When Stunt Casting Goes Wrong, Part 2" - but I'll tell you what, I actually enjoyed this. For the record, "When Stunt Cast Goes Wrong, Part 1" would be Hammer of the Gods. Make no mistake: Bitten is far more entertaining that that pile of dreck.

It will by no means win any awards, but I found Bitten to be a rather surreal relationship movie, with naked, bloody vampire sex, hot bi-curious vampire action, and oddly timed necro moments. Well, there never really is a good time for necrophilia.



Jason Mewes plays Jason Mewes, as a medic. Ok, technically, his character's name is Jack. But he's Jason Mewes, medic guy, if you could believe he would somehow get through school, training, and be hired as the most foul-mouthed medic ever.

Jack's got a bitch of an ex-girlfriend and no social life due to working the graveyard shift. His only friend is his much older partner, Roger, a foul-mouthed perv who at least genuinely seems to care about Jack.

Then one night, after passing by the neighborhood junkies, Jack finds a half-naked, blood covered Danika (Erica Cox) in a pile of trash. Assuming she's OD'd, or maybe been attacked, he takes her in and cares for her after she refuses medical treatment.

Roger thinks she's a junkie, strung out on something. He's half right.

Danika, it turns out, is a vampire. Being something of a good girl, she tries to fight the hunger, but cannot control it. Mewes tries all the tricks - feeding her a cat, stealing a packet of blood from work, using himself - but Danika needs large servings of fresh, human blood. And by this time, Mewes is in love with her.



After Danika kills Jack's ex during a surprise visit, things get out of hand. In short succession, they begin knocking off local pimps and pushers to satiate her hunger, but it's not long before the supply of seedy assholes runs short. On top of this, Danika gets off on blood drinking. Their blood covered romp with his ex's corps just feet away is topped only by a passionate threesome with the spare girl winding up dead in a pool of blood between the sheets.



Fresh kills and bloody sex. If this turns you on, please have a seat over there...

Random thoughts between tokes:

- Remember the wannabe Jason Mewes in Freddy vs. Jason? Remember how they should have just hired the real Jason Mewes, because the role was pretty much a completely blatant rip-off of his Jay character?

- How badly did Mewes need crack money to do this? Ok, all joking aside, like I said I liked this movie to some extent, and Mewes is what he is - actually, he showed he can throw in something extra as Lester in Zack and Miri Make a Porno. Here he's himself, which works sometimes, and at sometimes really drags you out of the movie.

Erica Cox is cute and hot as needy vampire babe Danika. And has a great ass, which definitely helped my enjoyment of this movie.



Eventually, Jack realizes that forever is a long time, and Erica has to go. Some relationships just aren't mean to last.

Overall Rating: Half-Baked (3 out of 5)

John Carpenter's Vampires (1998)

Release Date: 1998
Director: John Carpenter
Starring: James Woods, Daniel Baldwin, Thomas Ian Griffith, Sheryl Lee
Tagline: "From the master of terror comes a new breed of evil."
Random Trivia: Dolph Lundgren was attached to the film at one point. Frank Darabount makes a cameo. I actually saw this during its theatrical run, and it was damn fun.

John Carpenter - the guy made it long ago, so I'm not sure if this can properly be called a B-movie. James Woods is a pretty big star to boot, although anyone in their teens/early 20s probably knows him best from Family Guy.

That said, the movie has a Baldwin, a kickin' country rock soundtrack, and vampires in the desert. It also has an awesome performance by Thomas Ian Griffith, who has been criminally underused in recent years.



The casting of Woods is puzzling - I don't really think of him as an action guy - but he does add a little something.



The opening raid is fucking brutally awesome. Jack Crow (Woods), with a name that would rock more than any other til Jack Sparrow came along, leads his crew of vampire hunters to an abandoned farmhouse in one dusty looking burg. Inside the house they spear vamps, pulling them out under the angry red sun of New Mexico with a truck winch, under the watchful eye of second in command Anthony Montoya (Daniel Baldwin). Vamps burst into flames as the team's padre performs the last rites.

Awesome. Fucking. Sequence.

You want back story? You don't fucking need it! If you really want to know, Crowe's team is funded by the Vatican. They know vampires are real, and they know they need someone - even as foul as Jack Crow - the do the dirty work, hunting them to the ends of the earth.



You could make an entertaining movie out of just following the crew slaughtering vampires, but of course, there needs to be some drama, so at a whore-filled after party (the best kind!), Jack's team is ambushed by vampire master Valek (Griffith). Only Jack and Montoya survive, leaving Jack looking for revenge. Valek, meanwhile, is looking for an ancient relic which will complete his transformation into the ultimate killing machine - a vampire able to withstand the power of the sun.

Simple. To the point. Fun to watch mashed.



Sheryl Lee adds the female interest for Montoya which is doomed to fail, as a recently bitten whore soon to turn vamp herself.

With their crew dead, and a green padre at their side, Crow and Montoya move to hunt down Valek - "the first and most powerful" vampire, according to the Vatican.



My only gripe is that the movie never really tops the coolness of the opening raid, and Woods fails to ever shake his own persona - it's James Woods, killing vampires. But at the same time, it's James Woods, killing vampires. Depending on your mood, this is a pass, or the coolest fucking vampire movie around.

Someone actually needs to update the vampire western sub-genre sometime soon, but until then - go back and check this out.

I may actually up my review pace right now, as there's a shitload of B-movies to come!

Overall Rating: Half-Baked (3 out of 5)

Hammer of the Gods (2009)

Release Date: 2009
Director: Todor Chapkanov
Starring: Zachery Ty Bryan, Melissa Leigh, Mac Brandt, Daz Crawford,
Alexis Peters
Tagline: "Vikings vs Werewolves."
Random Trivia: Zachery Ty Bryan. Yes, the oldest of the kids from Full House.

Thought we'd go for a different sort of B-movie today. This is very much a WTF casting affair. I'm pretty sure Hammer of the Gods went like this: Hey guys, we need a recognizable name to play Thor. But we can't afford anyone good. And most B-list celebs wouldn't touch the project. Is there anyone from a C or D list? No? E list? Washed up child star??? Oh, there we go.



Honestly, Zachery Ty Bryan would probably work for cheese at this point. He's been in virtually nothing since Home Improvement, and this marks the first time he's been a "star" in just about ever.

Here's the problem: Ol' Zach cannot act or deliver a line in any convincing fashion. He's just horrible. He tries for an accent, at times, but it's neither authentic or consistent. His supporting cast acts circles around him. Sure, this is DTV (or do we call it Direct to DVD now? Actually it might have been made for TV... not sure), but honestly, have some standards people!

As for the plot: Thor, along with his brother and other Vikings, heads out in search of the fabled hammer - you know it, you've seen it in comics most likely - only Thor is of the belief that his brother shall claim the hammer. Thor, you see, is just a little bit insecure. This is his coming out party, so to speak. And it has werewolves.

That's right. And Vikings vs. Werewolves is getting a tad desperate. I thought Shark vs. Crocodile was somewhat cool, but this is going overboard.

At least it has true B-movie unintentional comedy, like clothing dyed colours I'm fairly certain didn't exist in viking times, dialogue that drifts back and forth between vaguely authentic and oddly placed modern phrases, and lines like "Do not fail me again" - which has now officially been used in over 100 B movies! No, that's not a real stat.

You also have to love how snowfall picks up just for a climactic battle, where previously a single flake was nary to be seen.

And ooh, the vikings took only half the movie to figure out that the werewolves aren't just regular wolves, but made up of some of the local villagers.



Oh yeah - there's some female vikings and wolves to spice things up a bit. Basically a fail.

There's action, betrayal, and continuing blunders by Zach, who is in way over his head. It's dinner theatre bad. Watching a train wreck bad. I mean, if you can't even make a line like "not until we've killed everything on this island" work in the context of a B-movie, you're just...

Never give this guy a role again. I really hate to pan an actor this blatantly, but...

I'll stop this clusterfuck here. You know Thor will get the Hammer and save the day. Save yourself the pain, even if you love B-movies and utter cheese - skip this.

Overall Rating: Buzzed (1 out of 5)

Slither (2008)

Release Date: 2008
Director: James Gunn
Starring: Nathan Fillion, Michael Rooker, Gregg Henry, Elizabeth
Banks, Tania Saulnier
Tagline: "Horror Has a New Face."
Random Trivia: Nathan Fillion starred in Firefly, which Gregg Henry
also made an appearance in. Fillion also turned up on Buffy, another
Joss Whedon show, and may soon be seen in Whedon's Dollhouse.

I've got a little theme lined up for my next few reviews: B-movies! We started with Repo! The Genetic Opera, which I'm actually going to go back and re-watch at some point in the near future. Next up: Slither.

Like over the top B-movie horror done with a comedic slant that is,
frankly, just fucking bent? You'll enjoy this one! Slither is just... well, fucked. It's a gross-out movie with heart, the love story of a man, his wife, and his intergalactic parasite.

My memory on this is foggy - gee, wonder why - so I'm going strictly from the notes on this one. We start off with a very simple question - Why follow a trail of slime into the woods? Seriously. Why fucking follow it? Never, ever follow a creepy trail of slime into the woods in the middle of the night.



Oh, one thing - I'm all for older/guys younger girls, and vice versa, but that dude is just CREEPY. He looks slimey, and watching the scene where he tries to make it with the wife... seriously, I almost lost my lunch.

Here we go - see, notes have served their purpose. Thus we have the start of our story - Grant Grant, the man with the worst name ever, has a much younger, extremely frigid, trophy wife. After a night out at the bar, he follows some piece of ass or other into the woods - there's backstory here but I'm too high to care/follow it. Grant and said piece of ass find a trail of slime, and follow it to find a meteor, or something else, that fell from the sky. And BLAM! Grant is shot in the chest by something spear-like, that burrows into him, and you can see where this is going already.

I would like to take a time out here to address my notes re: the bar skank. Fine actress. The character is supposed to be a bit... dirty, and have a crush on Grant Grant. Great job. Dear writers: Do not use lines like "Are you ok" when someone is obviously not ok. Honestly, my immediate response is generally (as in this case) "does he look ok, bitch?"

He just had an alien creature worm its way into his fucking chest! No, he's not ok. He's not ordering a pizza or going out for Chinese, either.



Soon enough, Grant goes home, his infection begins to spread, and he starts turning into... something. All the while staying true to his wife (having ditched the tramp after remembering he's a married man... or thing... or manthing). And right about now you can see where this is heading, but it actually becomes quite the homage to several different horror flicks while being very much a riot in its own right.



And then we have the hero of the flick: Nathan Fillion's Bill Parady, the local law in town. He's good ol' small town sherrif, but not cut from the same cloth as most of the locals: he doesn't get deer season, and is a tad more edumacated than most.

You know those homages I mentioned? I'll list them now: Alien, The Thing, Predator, The Faculty, Romero's zombie movies, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, and so on. Some of those may not be intentional, some definitely are.

At some point I realize Grant Grant is played by the dad from Mallrats, Michael Rooker. He's aged but then I also notice that it's almost 15 years since that film came out. Damn.

Grant gets narsty, and soon the town's pet population begins to dwindle. Somehow, he keeps his transformation from his wife. He puts a lock on the basement door. Craves raw meat. Can't control his hunger. And, of course, soon enough, his secret gets out, as Starla, the aforementioned trophy wife (Elizabeth Banks), finds out. Her confrontation with Grant is interrupted by the Sherrif, and Thing-Grant makes a run for it. It's actually one of the last times he makes a run for anything. Before long, he's slug/tentacle thing Grant.



Throughout this, his heart never betrays him - although mutated, under control by an alien parasite, and picking off the town's livestock as the sherrif and a hunting party track him, he maintains his love for Starla.

How sweet.

Of course, all alien infections need to spread - cue Grant impregnating the trailer trash he was chummy with at the bar at the start of the movie. Alien rape. See, now Japanese horror fans have something to cheer for! She winds up preggo to the bursting point - literally - and upon exploding, a million and one slugs head for town, shoving themselves down people's throats to take over their body and mind (souls optional).



This brings us to Kylie (Tania Saulnier), who is forced to fight off slugs in the bath whilst her family is taken over. She comes close enough to slug infestation that she actually winds up sharing memories with the worm - which turns out to have a sort of hive mind/shared memory thing going.



Nightmare on Elm Street? And while we're bringing up references to other movies again, there's a few POV shots that are reminiscient of the Evil Dead movies.

There's all kinds of fun once things really get out of hand. A hot for teacher reference. Zombie-like slug controlled minions. Gross-outs galore. The movie isn't so much scary as it is gross in a fun way. Someone actually gets called a turd in a loving manner. Explosions. A slug-controlled zombie deer!



Yup, it's a deer.

At this point, you really just need to see this for yourself.

Overall Rating: Half-Baked (3 out of 5)

Repo! The Genetic Opera (2008)

Release Date: 2008
Director: Darren Lynn Bousman
Starring: Anthony Stewart Head, Paris Hilton, Alexa Vega, Paul Sorvino, Sarah Brightman
Tagline: "Not Your Parent's Opera."
Random Trivia: Was originally a stage play. Paris Hilton brought some of her own costumes to the set.

I'm fucking BAKED for this. Need any more information? Well, I'm typing my notes on the PC rather than my usual pen and paper notation whilst watching this, and it's not pretty.



I think we have a plot. There's widespread disease. Genco or whatever they're called (genetics company) starts a program where you get all sorts of procedures and transplants - but if you can't pay, beware the repo process...

From the Notes of the Baked Reviewer:

- Cool animated intro, comic book style

- You can tell straight off, from the opening song, that the producers/director et al were really trying for a modern Rocky Horror Picture Show. They might have missed the mark but so far, so good...



- Anthony Stewart Head! Someone who can act AND sing... the first to appear thus far in this movie. His daughter's fucking annoying though (on-screen daughter. I'm sure if he actually has a daughter, she's a peach. Speaking of peaches... mmm... peaches...).

- Ok as time goes on I'm liking the daughter more

- Nathan's (Head) backstory is done comic style, showing his attempt to cure his ailing wife and the agonizing choice to sacrifice her for his unborn daughter.

- Music is a bit weak. That's not a good sign in a musical. Head's singing is still best in the movie thus far. He's put out a CD in the past and was awesome in the Buffy musical episode.

- Atmosphere is cool, music needs some work.

- "My brother and sister should fuck" was seriously a lyric just now.

- So Nathan keeps daughter Shilo secret, continuing her treatment. At 17, things get out of hand, she meets Blind Mag (Sarah Brightman), who is at the mercy of the Repo Man (I think), who will take her eyes.



At this point I'm having serious trouble following the plot. There's some awesome fetish wear and chicks on screen so the film is keeping my attention at least. I'm just kinda staring at it.

More Notes:

- Rotti (Paul Sorvino) is after Shilo, and lures her with a promised cure



- GeneCo is repairing all sorts of defects

- Paris plays Emma Sweet, cannot fucking sing and gets booed off the stage. I didn't realize this was a documentary...

- Rotti claims Nathan has spiked Shilo's medicine

- SPOILER!!! Nathan (Head) dies in a pool of blood in his daugher's arms. Cool scene.

- Turns out he was a repo man

- Shilo isn't a bad singer after all

Don't let my confuzzled notes fool you - I'm actually suggesting that any pothead grab this movie, throw it on, and relax. It's the zany kind of weird that makes it a pretty decent pothead experience. As a movie, it's a pale shadow of Rocky Horror, but it's far from horrible - or perhaps it's just so horrible that it's entertaining.

Overall Rating: Half-Baked (3 out of 5)