7/28/09

The Wizard of Gore (2007)

Release Date: 2007
Director: Jeremy Kasten
Starring: Crispin Glover, Kip Pardue, Bijou Phillips, Brad Dourif, The Suicide Girls
Tagline: "What are you afraid of?"
Random Trivia: The Suicide Girls have an awesome live burlesque show - I've seen it. The Wizard of Gore first appeared in 1970; this is a modernized remake.

This just sort of popped up onto my radar suddenly. No idea what it was, but any movie with Crispin Glover, Brad Dourif, and The Suicide Girls (any number of them) has my attention. Fuck yeah it has my attention.



Disclaimer #1: My apologies for the lame quality screencaps this time out.

Disclaimer #2: I usually hate remakes, but since I know nothing of the original, this is all new to me!



Having no background probably helped on this one - I was thoroughly entertained. Umm plot synopsis? Well, Kip Pardue plays Edmund? Eddie? Ed? A zine/underground newspaper writer/publisher with a nose for the twisted and depraved. Showing up at a fetish event/orgy of sorts one night, he stumbles upon the most completely balls-out, full-tilt, insane mindfuck of a magic show ever: Montag the Magnificent (Glover) slaughters a girl on stage. We're talking entrails ripped clean out, let a bear trap snap shut on her head intense. The audience screams, begins heading for the hills, shit he really killed her - then the lights cut out. And come back. And there's Montag, with the girl, alive and well standing next to him.



Bravo.

Except when the girl shows up dead a few days later. Something that happens again. And again. And again.

Edmund begins following the case, obsessing over the incredible act, and the girls who continually wind up dead - to the point of tailing them. And quickly losing his sanity.

Ok I'm baked to the point that I don't remember much more, beyond vague images/bits and pieces here and there. Except to say that this movie fucking rocked while high, and is on my re-watch pile. Honestly I've seen the Suicide Girls live show which is cool, Crispin Glover rocks, as does Brad Dourif (barely recognizable in a role that isn't a doll or a sniveling worm).

FYI, the tits in this movie are chick-approved - I was asked to include this by my movie watching, baked out of her mind companion.

I'd score this higher but I honestly don't remember half of it...

Overall Rating: Half-Baked (3 out of 5)

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7/27/09

Babylon A.D. (2008)

Release Date: 2008
Director: Mathieu Kassovitz
Starring: Vin Diesel, Michelle Yeoh, Gérard Depardieu, Mélanie Thierry
Tagline: "Mankind already has a protector."
Random Trivia: In traditional FOX fashion, the director and studio feuded throughout the production of scenes, script, and run time, hacking off over an hour of the film in the final cut. Due to the feud the movie was given almost no promotion. There wasn't much of a tagline for the Western release of the movie; the one you see a few lines up is translated from the Spanish release.

Poor Vin Diesel. The guy was just born at the wrong time. Had he broken out in the 80s, he would have had a string of massive hits by now. Instead, he's got Pitch Black, the oft-forgotten Boiler Room, and... The Fast and the Furious. Which I personally hated, but it raked in cash at the box office, as did part four recently.



Vin actually seems to care about making movies though. Sure, he's another action star clone, but he dropped out of Hitman to make Babylon A.D. - only to see it raped by the studio. He was passionate about the Riddick character, and is still pushing for another chance at that one. He has tried for ages to get the story of Hannibal the Conqueror made, and he was in Saving Private Ryan, for fuck's sake!

What I'm getting at here is, Babylon A.D. is a massive failure, but that's not Vin Diesel's fault. It's not really any of the actor's fault. It's basically FOX being FOX, raping the movie, hacking scenes, trying to get in an American friendly run-time, and on top of that, a script that could have been much tighter. Given this was based on a novel, Babylon Babies, how hard could that have been? Don't answer that...

Diesel plays Toorop, a mercenary charged with transporting a girl, Aurora (Mélanie Thierry) and her keeper (Michelle Yeoh as a member of a sect of nuns) from Russia to America somewhere in the not-to-distant future. But distant enough to have cool effects scenes, when affordable. Just not so distant that FOX would have to break the bank, you know.



See? Isn't that cool? It's New York City! See we took some actual skyline shots and then edited in some cool looking buildings and lights...

Gorsky (an unrecognizable Gérard Depardieu) is the mobster who hires him. Along the way, various parties - the girl's father, and the sect of nuns to which Yeoh's Sister Rebeka belongs, intervene.



Think Transporter, in the future. The first one. And there's actual chemistry between Diesel and Thierry! Michelle Yeoh isn't half bad either. But the plot is just too damn tired... see, Aurora is carrying a virus, supposedly. Oh, and she happens to have been created to fulfill the prophecy of the religious sect who raised her, so that she can give birth via immaculate conception and make the religion legitimate - through a complete, genetically engineered hoax.

Great. Cloning. So that hasn't been done to death.



I was high enough to enjoy Diesel and Thierry on screen. And I'm curious about the one hour or more of footage which FOX hacked out. Sadly, though, we'll never know if this could have been any good since they reportedly interfered as the movie was shooting and changed actual scenes! For fuck's sake FOX, STOP. You raped X-Men into the grave. You shit out the Wolverine spin-off! You've completely tarnished both the Alien and Predator franchises in not one but two complete suck-fests, and now you've decided to begin bastardizing stand-alone films as well...

Overall rating: 1/4 Baked (2 out of 5)

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7/26/09

Mutant Chronicles (2008)

Release Date: 2008
Director: Simon Hunter
Starring: Thomas Jane, Ron Pearlman, John Malkovich, Devon Aoki, Anna Walton
Tagline: "The darkest age is yet to come. Have faith."
Random Trivia: Devon Aoki was in D.E.B.S., which I've played a drinking game to. Thomas Jane was in the recently reviewed (on this site) The Mist. The movie is based on a role-playing game.

Well then. I had no idea what Mutant Chronicles was going into it. I don't even remember this playing in theatres. But as I'm apt to do, I threw it on last night while blazing and discovered something... I still have no idea what Mutant Chronicles is. A futuristic war movie? Kinda. A knock-off of Lord of the Rings with a lesser budget? Somewhat. A comic book movie? Well yes except it's based on a game, or so I've read. Over-the-top action? Yeah...



Basic plot: Way off in the distant future, mankind is run entirely by corporations. These divide the world into four segments, each controlled by a competing entity. They serve, basically, as governments, and reminded me a fair bit of Orwell's 1984. The corporations are at war, a war which uncovers an ancient lair, and within it, an ancient machine, sent from another galaxy, which turns humans into blood-thirsty mutants. This machine has been covered up for centuries, only to be re-opened by the fighting. And so mankind finds itself at the mercy of the mutant hordes...



But meanwhile, back in Gotham... erm... where ever - Thomas Jane is Mitch Hunter, a soldier whose best friend winds up taken by the mutants before anyone even knows what they are. His job, he likes to say, is to "fuck shit up" - and he's soon recruited by Ron Pearlman's Brother Samuel, a monk of sorts who holds the key to stopping the machine - an ancient bomb which came from the machine itself, and an ancient holy book that describes its location and inner workings.

The plot, at this point, jumps from a gritty future war with World War I era-style uniforms and antique-looking but powerful weapons, and becomes a noble quest to stop the machine for the good of mankind. It suffers from a case of ADD, and some serious mis-casting. Ron Pearlman is awesome most of the time - but a good monk he does not make. Ol' Ron should have been in a soldier's uniform for this one. Thomas Jane fares better - he really does have leading man chops but the script and lack of focus really let him down on this one.



And the rest of the characters - we hardly knew ye! Devon Aoki - you might remember her from Sin City - plays the usual tough hot chick, except this time out there's two tough hot chicks, so add in the nun-like Severian (Anna Walton), since the movie seems to think that bigger is better. On top of that you get the snooty brit who happens to be a badass, the slick asian guy who happens to be a badass, the hispanic dude who happens to be a badass... you can see where this is going.



The group travels down into the catacombs to the lost city - which looks a lot like a deserted, decayed modern day city - and heads into the machine, battling mutants all along the way.

A nitpick here: All the mutants look pretty much the same. Big ugly vampire types - pale skin, sharp teeth - with skewers for arms.

Some variety would have been nice.

The melding of technology and mythology is interesting at times, but that's about as much credit as I can really give Mutant Chronicles. If bored on a rainy day, give it a go. Just don't expect any miracles.



Oh - one of my baked observations - John fucking Malkovich is in this. Why the fuck hasn't he been in more lately? Someone give the guy a Hannibal Lecter style role, please. He's amazing. At least he's in the upcoming Jonah Hex movie.

Overall rating: 1/4 Baked (2 out of 5)

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Diary of the Dead (2007)

Release Date: 2007
Director: George A. Romero
Starring: Michelle Morgan, Joshua Close, Shawn Roberts, Amy Ciupak Lalonde
Tagline: "Shoot the dead."
Random Trivia: In the hospital scene, the voice from the radio telling people to aim for the head is Tom Savini; the audio was actually recorded during the Dawn of the Dead remake. Stephen King, Wes Craven, Quentin Tarantino, Simon Pegg, and Guillermo del Toro all do voice overs as newsreaders in the movie.

Diary of the Dead. Ok. A little secret - I'm not the huge Zombie fan HalfBaked is. I remember watching Night of the Living Dead as a kid. Looking back, it's not all that scary, but it's an important film. It was a horror movie with a message. I'm not sure I really got that at the time though. To me, it was slow moving corpses lurching after some idiots in a house. I was in it just for the chills.

For Romero, the classic Dawn of the Dead, and lesser Day of the Dead, followed. And then Romero left the zombie arena for a while - until Land of the Dead was announced.



Now, all that said - zombie movies began to grow on me at some point. I loved the Dawn of the Dead remake, for all its flaws. I loved Shaun of the Dead - sure it's half spoof but it's still awesome.

And I was pumped for Land of the Dead. Too much so. I was let down by it. John Leguizamo and Dennis Hopper... a big budget... it's almost like Romero had too much going for him. The movie felt Hollywood, slick, the Dead Reckoning vehicle was lame, and even Asia Argento couldn't save the movie.

Diary of the Dead is what Land of the Dead should have been.

It's by no means a perfect movie. I actually started to get worried, at the outset, that this was going to be Blair Witch with zombies. Thankfully, it's not. The cast is as wooden as half the animated corpses stumbling around, but then in Romero movies that's usually the case. Still, the movie's messages shine through - and there's a bunch of themes this time out. Our reliance on the media. The power of new media. The importance of truth. Immigration, discrimination. Even a little tidbit on guns and gun violence. And whether or not, as a species, we're even worth saving.

So despite a weak start, Diary of the Dead finishes strong. And seriously, once you hit the second half, the payoffs start to roll right in: a zombie clown. A badass Amish dude. A zombie doctor and nurse. Society cannibalizing itself (not literally, the zombies do that). The kindness of strangers. Zombies trapped in a swimming pool. Awesome killshots. Stupid decisions by stupid people.

I'm really just rambling here, essentially, but a lot of images pretty much jumped from the screen during the second half of the movie. Some serious standout moments - but maybe I should backtrack, and explain the damn plot and concept.



Diary of the Dead is not a continuation of Night, Dawn, Day, and Land of the Dead. Instead, it's a reboot. Or an alternate reality. Or, the same day as Night of the Living Dead, but updated into modern times. It really doesn't matter - either way, it's the zombie apocalypse, starting now. A group of film students happen to be caught in the midst, and their director, Jason (Joshua Close) takes it upon himself to document what's happening. Along with him is the pissed off ex, the professor, the airhead, the silent broody guy - all the usual types.

Finding their campus - or at least their dorm - deserted save a looter, they head out on the road, looking to get to their respective homes, by way of an RV. Along the way, well... that's the fun in the movie. Passing through the chaos, trying to stay alive, and looking at the reaction of different survivors.

And encountering plenty of the undead.



Jason, for one, can't get over the importance of documenting everything. And here's where some of Romero's message comes into play - the power of new media over old. How one person, spreading the truth, can change things.

Yet at the same time, he seems to highlight the hazards of becoming too overzealous. Jason has trouble accepting the reality of what he's seeing - as if, because he's filming it, it's not real (he actually yells CUT at one point during a zombie attack).

Shot over 23 days in Canada with a mostly Canadian, mostly unknown cast - Diary of the Dead makes up for a lot of the letdown that was Land of the Dead, and makes me very, very excited for the premiere of Survival of the Dead, which will be unveiled in September at the Toronto International Film Festival. More importantly, it tells me that Romero still has it - he just needs the right motivation. Like a lot of filmmakers, I think that in giving Romero too much to work with, he gets lazy. Or maybe it's just the system itself.

Whatever the case, Diary is worth watching. Ignore the first person perspective stuff. It's handled quite well, set up to allow multiple camera angles, and doesn't come off at all like Blair Witch, or Cloverfield, or any other POV style movie. It's zombies from a personal level.

But some things never change - shoot 'em in the head.

Overall Rating: Half-Baked (3 out of 5)

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7/25/09

Rise (2007)

Release Date: 2007
Director: Sebastian Gutierrez
Starring: Lucy Liu, James D'Arcy, Michael Chiklis,
Tagline: "They didn't leave her alive. They left her UNDEAD."
Random Trivia: Director Gutierrez also wrote the script. Each time Liu's character wakes up in a confined space, she hits her head on something.

Well, I think Rise pretty much killed my streak of entertaining horror movies. Honestly, what was Lucy Liu thinking as the filming of this movie unfolded? She's done some crap before, for reference, see Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever. She's done low budget indies - take Cypher, a Canadian production I actually saw at the Toronto International Film festival for its North American Premiere.



But was this a paycheck? A vain attempt at securing a "lead" role? What the hell was she thinking having read this script?

When the evil old man tells Liu's Sadie Blake that "you did good" near the start of the movie, I cringed. I'm not a grammar Nazi. And something along the lines of "You've served us well" would sound b-movie cheese-ish - but this is a B movie! Or it should be!



Rise suffers from taking itself too seriously whilst having a week script backing it up. There's no decent twists, the outcome is predictable, the acting wooden, and Lucy Liu has gone from being the hot young Asian piece to the old Chinese lady. Well, middle-aged, but it's just around the corner.

Even the attempt to do the "vampires are sexy evil hot" thing fails.

I can't really believe I made it through this. I guess we want plot, well - Sadie Blake is a journalist doing a story on vampire clubs/cults whatever. She passes them off as a bunch of teenage Lestats dressing up - until she hits upon a real one. Soon she finds herself amongst the members of the undead after being fed upon by Bishop (James D'Arcy) and his mate - the latter of whom, taken by Blake's refusal to die, decides to turn her.



Sadie then swears to get revenge on those who killed her, and at some point, The Shield's Michael Chiklis turns up as a cop seeking revenge for the murder of his daughter - another victim of the vampire underground. Sadie fights her own nature, the audience fights boredom.

IMDB tells me the word vampire was never spoken during the film; I wasn't really counting. They pull off the vampire's don't reflect gag, and some cool feeding scenes, but honestly, this puppy could not hold my attention. The ending was so anti-climactic that I found myself shocked it was over that easily - but it really was a sigh of relief.

Overall rating: 1/4 Baked (2 out of 5)

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7/24/09

The Midnight Meat Train (2008)

Release Date: 2008
Director: Ryûhei Kitamura
Starring: Bradley Cooper, Brooke Shields, Leslie Bibb, Vinnie Jones, Ted Raimi
Tagline: "The most terrifying ride you'll ever take."
Random Trivia: Based on the short story by Clive Barker. LionsGate buried the opening of this movie - perhaps not knowing how to promote it - by releasing it in $1 cinemas, crashing revenue. Clive Barker himself actually started a viral marketing campaign in protest.

The Midnight Meat Train. With a title that awesome, you've either got gonzo porn, or bloody horror on your hands. Since there's a lack of impressionable young girls looking for daddy's approval in the film, this one falls into the latter category.

Let me clear up any confusion that random trivia might have caused - this movie is actually pretty fucking awesome. Sure, Vinnie Jones really only has one mode and his only good film (discounting this) was Snatch - but he barely speaks throughout the entire movie. Yes, the rest of the cast outside of Brooke Shields is lame through horrid, and even Shields isn't much to write home about - but it's a horror flick! The concept, execution, and result are pretty fucking unique, and I think I'm actually on a roll with some decent horror flicks lately.

This actually managed to keep me awake, at 5AM, while hitting the leafy stuff, so that says something. Unfortunately, due to the hour and level of bakedness, my notes are of absolutely no fucking use to me here, and I was far too out of it to write the review whilst watching the movie.

Seriously, my dotor's handwriting is clearer than this.



Plot. Yeah lets start there. Bradley Cooper stars as Leon Kauffman, a New York City photographer looking for his big break. The girl of his dreams is his girlfriend, Leslie Bibb's Maya Jones, who brings us such pearls of wisdom as "you know how they talk about the good old days? There never was a good old days." Happy thought, bitch! (My quote may be a tad off).

Leon, meanwhile, decides to start photographing New York at night, hoping to get a spot in Susan Hoff's (Brooke Shields) art show - although it would appear screwing her would get the job done much quicker. Alas, our Leon only has eyes for Maya, and he soon finds himself shooting the horrors of New York - including a subway mugging where he ingeniously rescues the girl by pointing out a security camera to the thugs.

Because you know what a great deterrent those cameras really are.

So Leon is a hero - not that anyone other than slutty hot chick knows it - and has some great photos to boot. One problem - the girl in question never makes it home. When her photo shows up in the paper the next day (really? missing girls show up that quick?), Leon realizes he might have been the last person to see her alive, getting on a subway car - and takes the photos to the cops. Who immediately suspect him.



Soon Leon is obsessed with finding out what happened to the girl, and begins snooping about subway stations, finding Mahogany (Vinnie Jones) - a creepy butcher who wears a fine suit to lurk in the subways at night.

Am I giving away too much when I tell you that Mahogany is basically butchering humans on the late train? Probably not. The slaughter is brutal and brilliant, however, plenty of splatter, vicious (ouch! crotch shot!), and the butcher idea adds in quirks like the removal of teeth, nails and hair... I wound up wondering if this was based on Robert Pickton for a bit then realized it's an old Clive Barker tale.

A sample of my notes follows:

Shop. Two. WTF? Ugly kitchen.

Well, the two reference I understand. The only other comprehensible comment from me at this point is that bone racks like Leslie Bibb are not hot - but at least the sex was a little rough. Screw the sweaty romantic sex scenes; this one's a little more like A History of Violence then the lame shit we usually see in movies.



Ok back on topic - where the film falters a little is in the payoff. What we've had up til this point is a creepy serial killer horror film. Mahogany is a mute Hannibal Lecter on steroids (no, I'm not comparing Vinnie Jones to Anthony Hopkins). Then suddenly - we get this fantasy horror angle that feels somewhat out of place. I haven't read the story but I'm guessing it was there as well, knowing Barker. And it's not horrible - it just doesn't live up to the first parts of the film. The concept itself is enough - a guy butchers you on the last train of the night; you vanish forever without a trace, teeth and hair and eyes and fingernails removed, meat used for God knows what - we didn't need a supernatural angle, really.

But it's there, and I won't bitch too much. Even with it, this is a solid little flick with some bad acting but buckets of blood and a unique concept. It's obvious that Lions Gate didn't want to touch it, probably because of the title and a lack of marketing ideas - or some suit simply thought it was too nasty.

Fuck 'em. Never trust a guy in a suit. Especially when he carries a meat tenderizer.

Overall Rating: Half-Baked (3 out of 5)

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7/20/09

The Mist (2007)

Release Date: 2007
Director: Frank Darabount
Starring: Thomas Jane, Marcia Gay Harden, Laurie Holden, William Sadler, Jeffrey DeMunn, Andre Braugher
Tagline: "Fear Changes Everything."
Random Trivia: This is Darabount's third King adaptation, but the first actual horror. The other two were The Green Mile, and The Shawshank Redemption. Both William Sadler and Jeffrey DeMunn appeared in all three. The painting David (Thosmas Jane) is working on at the beginning of the movie shows Roland, the last Gunslinger, with the Dark Tower looming in the distance. The rights to the Dark Tower series are currently held by J.J. Abrams.

Do not go into The Mist.

Really, the concept isn't that far off from 1408 - you didn't want to go into that either. Although maybe, actually, this is 1408 in reverse. Consider the idea that the evil fucking room in that tale was filled with poison gas, or at least, that's what it was like - but stay out of that room and you're fine (or so says Samuel L. Jackson). Now consider that the whole world is covered in poison gas - or at least an evil fucking mist with... things... in it. Whatever you do, STAY in the room you are in. Do NOT go into the mist.

And here you have the concept for one of Stephen King's classic short stories - bordering on novella length, really.

Frank Darabount spent a long time trying to get this movie made, and if you can't tell by The Shawshank Redemption and The Green Mile, he's very passionate about King's writing. I mean really, those are two of the best King movies, and the Shawshank Redemption has aged better than any movie I can think of and is probably on a lot of favorite lists.

Now, those two films were straight drama. The Mist, obviously, is at its roots a horror story. Yet while horror is the backdrop, the message is again what's important. This is a movie not about horror per se, or monsters, but about how we react to catastrophe, and what good, if any, faith does in such times - faith in yourself, faith in others, faith in a higher power - oh, and then there's this little bit about religion and mass hysteria.

This is the second part of my Stephen King double bill. I'm a little less baked and need a few hits to even things out.



We open with David Drayton (Thomas Jane), his wife, and son - weathering a storm at their house by the lake. The storm itself is not important. The aftermath is. We find his boathouse smashed by a neighbor's tree - Brent Norton, played here by Andre Braugher, a bigshot lawyer who Drayton's already crossed swords with once. We find his work - a commissioned movie poster; Mr. Drayton is an artist, you see - ruined. And we find an eerie mist rolling across the lake, coming down from the mountains. This is an excellent little start to the movie, or so says my hastily scratched notes.



Now, this movie is, after all, entitled The Mist. So we know that's a big to-do. Drayton and family does not, and so he sets out to town for supplies, taking his son, his neighbor Mr. Norton, with whom things are currently - but not completely - patched over, and leaving behind his wife.



In retrospect, not a great move.

Ok, before we go on - Tom Jane. Excellent actor. This is his second outing in a Stephen King flick, and the much, much better of the two. The other one - the cinematic abortion that was Dreamcatcher. We won't even get into that. But Jane is a guy who really, really should be getting some better roles, and for whatever reason - dumb luck, bad casting, etc. - it hasn't quite worked out. He made a fucking awesome Punisher, only to be dragged down by Travolta hamming it up. He was in Deep Blue Sea, which has a special place in my heart because I love cheese horror with sharks in them... maybe Hung will work out for him. Lets hope, but the guy should be in movies, not just an HBO series.

Now. Back to The Mist. The Mist is a disaster movie. It's about being locked in while the world around you is under attack. Where things want to get inside and eat you.

By the time Drayton hits the supermarket, we get an idea of what's going on. There's army guys everywhere, after all. Inside, there's all sorts of commotion, and we're introduced to bible thumping, holier-than-thou Mrs. Carmody (Marcia Gay Harden), who will serve as the movies antagonist when creepy monsters aren't around. And then... in rolls the mist. Preceded by Jeffrey DeMunn's Dan, an otherwise normal guy who runs in screaming about something... in the mist. Within moments, the doors are shut, the mist has enveloped the supermarket... and the sides have begun to form.

See, in any given survival situation with more than a few people, the natural order of things will not simply fall into place. There will be a struggle for power, and, if a group is big enough - even, say, 30 or 40 people - a divide in thinking which may not be fixable is likely to occur. Meaning you will wind up with two, or more, groups with opposing ideas, and a serious problem in getting people to work towards a common goal.

It sounds like a fucking pep talk, but it's true.



Inside the shop we see it first hand. It starts with the bag boy, Norm. The generator breaks. David thinks he hears something outside, but a couple of macho locals, and Norm, the bag boy, dismiss this, and decide they're man enough to deal with whatever is going down. The locals raise the loading doors, Norm ventures out... and is taken. Grabbed, by nasty looking tentacles that rip chunks out of him until they drag his bleeding carcass off to whatever waits to feed at the end of them.



It's macho stupidity, but it earns David Drayton a few followers. Ollie, one of the employees. The macho locals, at least for a while. A couple of local teachers (one played by Laurie Holden, who in another movie might have been Jane's love interest). On the other hand, his neighbor, Brent Norton, having not seen it, refuses to believe the story - and here we start to see the divide. Those who believe there's something in the mist, with David. Those who do not, with Brent (who thinks everyone is playing a joke on him). And those who believe whatever is happening is due to a lack of grovelling before God, with Mrs. Carmody.

Carmody is a whackjob, but a dangerous one. If you've been around small towns, you might know someone like her. In years gone by you'd probably find more of her type - a lack of education, a high amount of self-righteousness, and blind faith in religion. The kind that would yell "string 'em up" if the timing was just right, or who might stir up enough bad blood to send out a lynch mob. All whilst shouting about an eye for an eye, smacking a hand on the good book.



That's essentially what happens within the store. Brent's people leave, and we can assume they meet a bad end. Drayton's stay, as does Carmody's. But each day, and each encounter with yet another otherworldly creature, brings more people to her side, and her preachings become more and more old testament. The Lord, he wants your blood, Amen.

By the time Drayton takes his son and his remaining followers with him out the door, headed for his pickup, she's already goaded them to one blood sacrifice - the killing of a local soldier. The boy was to be next.



I can't tell you about the best part of this film. I absolutely, 100% cannot spoil the ending. It is, without question, the biggest FUCK YOU HOLLYWOOD ending I have seen in years, if not ever. See as much as I like social commentary going on here - the movie isn't all that scary. The CGI monsters are hit and miss. The tentacle scene is cool, and there's a flying dragon-like creature that looks decent, but some of the other bugs - most of the evil fiends roaming in the mist, at least the smaller ones, look like bugs - are pretty cheese. There's a few giant creatures we never get a clear shot of, and the scope and scale of them is impressive, but what we do see - we see too much of. The typical horror fault. Reveal too much, and it stops being scary, because we can get our eyes, and our minds, around it. We adapt to it. The scariest thing out there is the unknown - Darabount could have used a reminder of this.

But the ending... the ending takes this movie from a 3/5 or 3.5/5, strong social commentary but not overly creepy movie, to a HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT stage. In the end, it's still getting a 4/5 - it's by no means perfect - but damn. Bravo on that ending, Frank!



One last cap - the artwork mentioned in the random trivia.

Overall rating: 3/4 Baked (4 out of 5)


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7/18/09

1408 (2007)

Release Date: 2007
Director: Mikael Håfström
Starring: John Cusak, Samuel L. Jackson, Mary McCormack
Tagline: "No one lasts more than an hour."
Random Trivia: Based on the short story by Stephen King, which was actually started as an example excerpt in his book On Writing. Fans were intrigued by the little tale he started to outline how to flesh out an idea, and urged him to complete the tale. The finished product eventually appeared as part of an audiobook collection, and later in the collection Everything's Eventual.

So a little while back - my notes don't have dates but sometime around the end of June - I sparked up a little something and did a Stephen King double bill, consisting of 1408 and The Mist. I'll be reviewing each separately, in the order I watched them, but in all honesty, regardless of order, these two films make a cool little double feature if you want to be creeped out.



1408 goes further into the creeps and scares realm - and marks one of the few decent big-screen horror adaptations of King's work. The others would, perhaps, be Carrie, The Shining, and Misery (if you want to call the latter horror and not a thriller).

In general, the best King movies are the non-horror: Stand by Me, The Shawshank Redemption, and The Green Mile. So it's nice to see a few decent titles come along based on his traditional scary stories.

On to my notes:

- John Cusak in a horror flick - awesome!
- It's PG-13. And amazingly, it's better than most R-rated horrors in the past few years.
- It's just an evil fucking room.



The basic plot - Mike Enslin (Cusak) writes about haunted houses, motels, and other locations - but doesn't believe in them. He's about the get a fucking wake-up call (Stephen King, to my knowledge, doesn't visit them - but he sure writes about them!).

Enslin gets this little tip at the beginning - a postcard from the Dolphin Hotel that says "Don't go in room 1408" - the numbers of which add up to 13. And, being there's no 13th floor in hotels or most office buildings, 1408 is technically located on the 13th floor.

A more interesting angle, however, is this - who sent the post card? It's never explained, but I like to think that the room sent it. That's right. The room itself. Having slept too many years under the watchful eye of Samuel L. Jackson's Gerald Olin, it's hungry again... that's just my little theory.



Olin, of course, does NOT want Enslin going into that room. It has a history, a nasty one. Suicides, murders, and natural deaths go into the dozens. Mutilation and disease result should one venture in too long. Think of it, Olin says, like a room full of poison gas. You could hold your breath for a little while, and a minor moment or two of exposure might not kill you. But stay too long, or make too many visits... No, it's just not a good idea to go in that room. But thanks to some legal technicalities, a hotel apparently has to rent you any room you request so long as it's vacant. Is this true? I have no idea.

In any case, when it comes to Enslin, Olin points out, the Dolphin Hotel doesn't need the publicity - and he doesn't want to clean up the mess. How valiant.

The second Enslin ultimately does set foot in the room, however, the tone is set. And the second the clock radio flicks on and begins to blast an oldie - singing "we've only just begun..." - the countdown is on. Literally - shortly thereafter, a sixty minute timer begins the march on down to impending doom.



As the count goes on (a theme that comes back later in the movie - no one ever lasts more than an hour in 1408, according to Olin, and there's a good reason), Enslin winds up more and more paranoid, more and more fucked up, more and more frightened; his only companion his personal tape recorder where he takes notes. A handy device for a movie such as this, but it actually did feature in the original story.

You have to wonder - did the room take this long to burrow into his mind?

There's some added back story in the movie about a dead daughter for Enslin and his wife (McCormack) - it pays off pretty well, although there's also a bit about his dad that's a bit tired. Still, this is a movie based on a short story that really only has two main characters, so it's understandable that the script needed some fleshing out.



Perhaps it's time to check out?

Final thoughts: for a PG-13 horror, 1408 gives you more scares per minute than most of its R-rated cousins. It's creepy, old fashioned horror. The atmosphere really sells it - 1408 is an evil fucking room. The end will give you chills if you're not completely desensitized to, well, everything. And Cusak and Jackson seem to be enjoying themselves. Come on... go inside...

Overall rating: 3/4 Baked (4 out of 5)

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7/16/09

Zack and Miri Make a Porno (2008)

Release Date: 2008
Director: Kevin Smith
Starring: Seth Rogan, Jason Mewes, Elizabeth Banks, Traci Lords, Jeff Anderson
Tagline: "What would you do to get out of debt?"
Random Trivia: The original one sheet/poster hit censorship issues in the US, so a stick-figure poster was released. No such problems were encountered in Canada - except in Toronto subway stations, where the original poster was slightly altered to make it less explicit.

Has this blog really been going several months without a Kevin Smith movie review? WTF? Nothing about Jay and Silent Bob??? We're just not living up to our name, damn it!

Ok so here I am to the rescue, thanks to Half Baked stopping by the other day and me winding up in a review-like state of mind.



When you really look at it, this is Kevin Smith's first real non-Askewniverse film (meaning View Askew films compromising the loosely-related Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back, and Clerks II). Oh, sure, there was Jersey Girl, but Smith got the shaft on that by casting pal Ben Affleck only to have the Bennifer thing blow up in his face when Gigli (which Smith had nothing to do with) bombed worse than Ishtar (well, maybe not quite that bad.). Unfortunately, half the world thought Jersey Girl *was* Gigli, and just about no one went to see it.

Then Smith decided to write this little script about two friends shooting porn to get out of debt, with the lead specifically written for Seth Rogan. Rogan at that point was breaking out, and lets face it - for the past year and a half to two years, he's been in fucking everything. I fully expect him to show up as one of the new generation Ghostbusters in the near future.

Rogen said yes, and the result is Zack and Miri Make a Porno... which could almost be an Askewniverse film. It's definitely funny enough, has Jeff Anderson as a goalie/camera man (he was Randall in Clerks I/II, where he also played goal), and is completely fucked.



Exhibit A: Brandon Routh and Justin Long as gay lovers/porn stars who show up at Zack and Miri's high school reunion. Zack actually takes a shine to Long, and the entire sequence of Elizabeth Bank's Miri hitting on Routh is perfectly done.

Examble B: Everything else.

I should probably go into some plot here. Zack and Miri were high school pals. Zack and Miri never went anywhere. Now they're platonic roommates who can barely make ends meet. By the time their high school reunion rolls around, they're behind on rent and their heat is about to be shut off. Looking to cash in quick, Zack comes up with a plan - produce and star in a porno flick, sell it to people they went to school with, and pay off those bills.

It's an idea that really could only exist in a Kevin Smith film. I mean really, if you're going to make porn - sell it on the net. There's plenty of buyers after all.

But Zack and Miri stick to the small time, while somehow hiring a couple of hot chicks near - forgive the pun - pro-bono to take some shaft, and Lester the Molester (Jason Mewes) as the male "talent" to go along with Zack.


The cast and crew decide to try a spoof called Star Whores, but when their "sound stage" is destroyed by a wrecking crew, a more basic concept comes to life: film the movie at Zack's place of employment, a coffee shop.

There's plenty of funny sex shoot scenes, a fair amount of nakedness, but believe it or not, the film actually has heart, and what it really turns out to be is a raunchy love story between two best friends - who realize, during the execution of their cunning porn plan, that they're really more than friends.



The casting is solid - including underage porn legend Traci Lords, Jason Mewes - who is just hilarious in one of his few non-Jay-like roles (ok there's still a bit of him in there), and The Office's Craig Robinson as Zack's co-worker/porn financier ("I just wanted to see from free titties"...).

This was easily one of the best comedies of 2008... so I'll end it with - just go watch it. As long as you're not the easily offended type. Because while it has heart - it still has a constipation problem solved by on-camera anal sex.

Overall rating: 3/4 Baked (4 out of 5)

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7/5/09

Coming Soon EXCLUSIVE review!

Hey guys,

Halfbaked here with a quick report.

I am finally gonna get some stuff done for the site, and first up is something I'm sure most of the internet is clamoring for.....



Yes - that is a trailer for Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus...(I had to make the width of the video 420 in order for it to fit - at least on my screen - lol)

I recently aquired a copy of this so called - movie... and am currently waiting for some smoke to watch it., and shall be posting a review probably around thursday (some things have come up)

Anyway - Full review/Make fun of should be up by Thursday, so be on the lookout for the Fully Baked Review Exclusive look at - Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus.

**Exclusive in meaning that I haven't seen many other reviews almost at all... so :-P

Also on the way - Ghostbusters Trilogy will get a review (I say trilogy because I beat the new game, which plays like a 3rd movie), Prototype will most likely get a review (I just borrowed it from a bud)...

I haven't thought of much else, but stuff is in the works!

- Halfbaked