Bad Boys 2 (2003)

Release Date: 2003
Director: Michael Bay
Starring: Martin Lawrence, Will Smith, Joe Pantoliano
Tagline: -
Random Trivia: Michael Bay is in the movie as the driver of a car Marcus tries to commandeer.

So a bunch of years pass after the original Bad Boys. Michael Bay puts out Pearl Harbor, Martin Lawrence stinks it up with Black Knight, and Will Smith has the disappointing Men in Black II - although to be honest, he also had Ali.

Which leads us to Bad Boys II, where director and stars will attempt to get each individual career back on track.



In case you were not aware, this film is also set in Miami.

It's equal billing this time. My how the mighty have fallen. Lawrence was panned in Black Night, and really hasn't done much of anything other than Big Momma's House as far as hits go. Seriosuly, it's rather sad as he's way more talented than that gimmick. Whatever. Bay would probably rather shoot a cereal commercial before revisiting Pearl Harbor, and even Smith could use a return to solid action.

So what do we get? One of the most controversial action movies in years. Fuck yeah! It's not that the movie is overly great - it's on par with the original, but it's just a big dumb action movie with shaky cam work. But apparently, some booty shaking and a naked female corpse with a huge rack bloodied the waters, and the censorship happy legions and conservative rightwing nutjobs came out swinging.

We also get one of the most killer opening action sequences around (The Dark Knight has since surpassed it but that's talking apples and oranges).

There's a lot going on here, but in reality, it's all mindless action, so I'll skip to the chase:



As the film opens, Marcus Bennett (Lawrence) and Mike Lowery (Smith) go undercover to raid a bunch of KKK creeps who also happen to be running Ecstasy. The X is being sold in clubs to various slutty looking chicks - see above - in plain sight, making this operation the worst kept secret since Tom Cruise being secretly straight. Err...

The drugs in question belong to Johnny Tapia (Jordi Mollà), who happens to see himself as some sort of Christ-like figure, has an endearing mom with a wicked shotgun, and who has no problem cutting up Russian mobsters and shooting his own cousin for failing him. He also dotes on his daughter whilst threesoming with some of the most brain-dead chicks in the southern U.S.

Class act all around is what I'm trying to say.



Yup, that's one huge-ass pair of dead titties. Once Tapia gets his money for the X, he then smuggles it back to Cuba in bodies.

Meanwhile, Syd, little sister of Marcus, is deep undercover - unbeknownst to him - trying to take Tapia down, when the "Bad Boys" get involved.

There's what little you need to know of the plot.

Bad Boys 2 raked in the dough at the box office, thanks in part to a massive amount of media coverage over gratuitous violence and objectification of women. Wow. Dead boobs managed to steal headlines. I guess it paved the way for the frenzy we had with Anna Nicole Smith going tits up.



Over the course of the film, the guys shoot things, shit blows up, and a good time was had by all. Except most of the people who wound up dead.



Random Pothead Observations:

- Lawrence is wearing a Michael Vick jersey. This is before Vick blew his career by being an inhumane asshole.

- Henry Rollins appears in the opening sequence then pretty much vanishes. He plays the usual Henry Rollins hardass character.

- Rollins' character is also a tool - the guys bust a drug ring, seize a ton of illegal arms, attempted murder charges to go around, and the guy isn't happy.

- Marcus gets no action in either movie. How sad. Let this be a lesson, kids: Never marry.

- Things I never want to personally say: "I smell my ass burning."

One last thing I learned from this movie:



Apparently, rats fuck just like us!

Overall Rating: Half-Baked (3 out of 5)

Bad Boys (1995)

Release Date: 1995
Director: Michael Bay
Starring: Martin Lawrence, Will Smith,Téa Leoni, Joe Pantoliano
Tagline: "Whatcha gonna do?"
Random Trivia: Bay's first movie, as he made the step from commercial guy to big action guy. The roles of Marcus and Mike were supposedly written for Jon Lovitz and Dana Carvey. Will Smith's Mike Lowrey was also destined for Arsenio Hall at one point.

Just so we're clear:



Bad Boys takes place in Miami.

I loved this film when it first came out. Sure, it's a film who stole it's title from the theme song to COPS, but I tend to go for action-packed cop films of the Leathal Weapon, Die Hard, Beverly Hills Cop variety. Then along came the mid-90s and most of those films either had weak sequels (Die Hard with a Vengeance, Beverly Hills Cop 3) or dried up completely for a while.

Enter Michael Bay, making his feature film directorial debut. Seriously. Whilst oft derided for the carnage and sheer stupidity of his films, I think the main issue most people really have - probably without knowing it - is that he spawned a legion of imitators who flooded the market with big explosions making up for little or no plot development.

When you look at his actual catalog, however, he really hasn't done that much of the offensive variety: a forgettable waste of time (Armageddon) that was marketed like crazy and did fill the theatres, and the bomb that was Pearl Harbor. Aside from that, you've got a decent film in The Rock, the Bad Boys movies, and Transformers. That's it. They may not be to your liking, but he probably takes more shit than he deserves.

Up til Bad Boys, Bay had done commercials, a Playboy model video, and a couple of music videos. Then along came this Martin Lawrence vehicle, with the comedian playing lead in a buddy-cop action drama that obviously took a few ideas from Eddie Murphy's best known franchise. Oh and that's right - Martin Lawrence took first billing in this. The role of Mike Lowery, given to Will Smith after Bay saw him on Fresh Prince of Bel Air, was originally slated for Arsenio Hall. Which would have been a fucking disaster.



Throw in Joe Pantoliano (later seen in The Matrix pondering why he didn't take the blue pill) and a pre-David Duchovney Téa Leoni (damn hot in this flick), and you've got a pretty strong cast. All it needs is a bad guy ripped straight out of Die Hard - check! - and you're ready to go.



I think that plummet actually symbolizes Tea's career after this movie.

People's main complaint about Bay's movies is the gratuitous violence and sleaze. That's half the reason I watch these type of movies!



If that's not your thing, obviously you're skipping it. But the original Bad Boys is a fun flick otherwise. Lawrence as Marcus pulls off the family man who's trying to juggle his home life with being a cop, and Smith easily settles into the role of rich kid living his dream. Of course we need a story, so a friend of Smith's Mike Lowrey gets killed, a bunch of drugs are lifted from the police lockup, Téa is the only witness, and the rest of the movie is action, explosions, and Captain Howard (Pantoliano) pulling his hair out as the price tag for all the carnage continues to grow.

Made all the more fun since I was baked, I really have no issue with these flicks. I feel like this entire review is becoming an apology for liking mindless action, but fuck it - the real contreversy didn't kick in til Bad Boys 2 came out anyway. The first film is a pretty standard affair helped out by a strong cast.

And since you've got two funny guys in the lead instead of one, you get some pretty good quips:

(Re Lowery's car): It's a shiny dick with two chairs in it!

"Don't be alarmed, we're negroes..."



Lets take a close look at the image above. Closer. Just a little closer... that's right! If you've got a keen eye, you'll catch it - Martin Lawrence is the ONLY black guy at that club other than his partner!



Fire!

I actually do like Téa Leoni and it's a shame her show, The Naked Truth, didn't last longer. Yes, I actually watched it.



What else can we say about this flick? It's often forgotten, but this was the flick that proved Will Smith could work on the big screen as an action star. Independence Day came out the following summer, and from there on, the Will Smith Summer Blockbuster became a common occurrence.



Final thoughts: If baked, needing action with some comedy, and the first Beverly Hills Cop is not available (or you just watched it), Bad Boys is an excellent choice.



Overall Rating: Half-Baked (3 out of 5)