Bad Boys (1995)

Release Date: 1995
Director: Michael Bay
Starring: Martin Lawrence, Will Smith,Téa Leoni, Joe Pantoliano
Tagline: "Whatcha gonna do?"
Random Trivia: Bay's first movie, as he made the step from commercial guy to big action guy. The roles of Marcus and Mike were supposedly written for Jon Lovitz and Dana Carvey. Will Smith's Mike Lowrey was also destined for Arsenio Hall at one point.

Just so we're clear:



Bad Boys takes place in Miami.

I loved this film when it first came out. Sure, it's a film who stole it's title from the theme song to COPS, but I tend to go for action-packed cop films of the Leathal Weapon, Die Hard, Beverly Hills Cop variety. Then along came the mid-90s and most of those films either had weak sequels (Die Hard with a Vengeance, Beverly Hills Cop 3) or dried up completely for a while.

Enter Michael Bay, making his feature film directorial debut. Seriously. Whilst oft derided for the carnage and sheer stupidity of his films, I think the main issue most people really have - probably without knowing it - is that he spawned a legion of imitators who flooded the market with big explosions making up for little or no plot development.

When you look at his actual catalog, however, he really hasn't done that much of the offensive variety: a forgettable waste of time (Armageddon) that was marketed like crazy and did fill the theatres, and the bomb that was Pearl Harbor. Aside from that, you've got a decent film in The Rock, the Bad Boys movies, and Transformers. That's it. They may not be to your liking, but he probably takes more shit than he deserves.

Up til Bad Boys, Bay had done commercials, a Playboy model video, and a couple of music videos. Then along came this Martin Lawrence vehicle, with the comedian playing lead in a buddy-cop action drama that obviously took a few ideas from Eddie Murphy's best known franchise. Oh and that's right - Martin Lawrence took first billing in this. The role of Mike Lowery, given to Will Smith after Bay saw him on Fresh Prince of Bel Air, was originally slated for Arsenio Hall. Which would have been a fucking disaster.



Throw in Joe Pantoliano (later seen in The Matrix pondering why he didn't take the blue pill) and a pre-David Duchovney Téa Leoni (damn hot in this flick), and you've got a pretty strong cast. All it needs is a bad guy ripped straight out of Die Hard - check! - and you're ready to go.



I think that plummet actually symbolizes Tea's career after this movie.

People's main complaint about Bay's movies is the gratuitous violence and sleaze. That's half the reason I watch these type of movies!



If that's not your thing, obviously you're skipping it. But the original Bad Boys is a fun flick otherwise. Lawrence as Marcus pulls off the family man who's trying to juggle his home life with being a cop, and Smith easily settles into the role of rich kid living his dream. Of course we need a story, so a friend of Smith's Mike Lowrey gets killed, a bunch of drugs are lifted from the police lockup, Téa is the only witness, and the rest of the movie is action, explosions, and Captain Howard (Pantoliano) pulling his hair out as the price tag for all the carnage continues to grow.

Made all the more fun since I was baked, I really have no issue with these flicks. I feel like this entire review is becoming an apology for liking mindless action, but fuck it - the real contreversy didn't kick in til Bad Boys 2 came out anyway. The first film is a pretty standard affair helped out by a strong cast.

And since you've got two funny guys in the lead instead of one, you get some pretty good quips:

(Re Lowery's car): It's a shiny dick with two chairs in it!

"Don't be alarmed, we're negroes..."



Lets take a close look at the image above. Closer. Just a little closer... that's right! If you've got a keen eye, you'll catch it - Martin Lawrence is the ONLY black guy at that club other than his partner!



Fire!

I actually do like Téa Leoni and it's a shame her show, The Naked Truth, didn't last longer. Yes, I actually watched it.



What else can we say about this flick? It's often forgotten, but this was the flick that proved Will Smith could work on the big screen as an action star. Independence Day came out the following summer, and from there on, the Will Smith Summer Blockbuster became a common occurrence.



Final thoughts: If baked, needing action with some comedy, and the first Beverly Hills Cop is not available (or you just watched it), Bad Boys is an excellent choice.



Overall Rating: Half-Baked (3 out of 5)

Transformers (2007)

Release Date: 2007
Director: Michael Bay
Starring: Megan Fox, Peter Cullen, Shia LaBeouf, Josh Duhamel, Rachael Taylor, John Turturro, Jon Voight, Hugo Weaving
Tagline: "Their war. Our world."
Random Trivia: The voice of Orson Welles from War of the Worlds is heard via Bumblebee's radio. Welles final role recorded was the voice of the planet-eating Unicron in the 1986 Transformers animated movie. In police car mode, Barricade has "To punish and enslave" printed on him. Megan Fox *drools*...

If you watch no other movie with a hot chick bending over the hood of a car, at least watch this one!



Yeah, we know what you're thinking Shia!

Welcome to my Transformers review. I've been a bit behind, this being the first time I've smoked in a while. But I'm in a good mood tonight, the highest I've been for weeks, and I thought with Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen due, I'd get to a Transformers review. Like how we reviewed the three Terminator movies as Terminator: Salvation came out. Did I say three??? Well... pot will do that to you.

I'm also going on a Michael Bay kick and will have a couple more of his explosion-laden flicks on the way. In the meantime:

Transformers, a fucking Hasbro toy. One of the coolest toys ever I might add. A cool cartoon to go with it, and the greatest casting move ever in the animated movie from the 80s - Orson Welles as the planet-destroying Unicron. For a simple toy, that's quite the heritage, and a live-action movie, when announced, sounded like a studio cash grab - a horrid idea. How the hell could any movie live up to the various cartoon series and toy lines?

Going back to development, there were cries of "this will rape my childhood." The only bright spot was that Steven Spielberg was producing. Then we got word the Michael "Lets Blow Shit Up Real Good" Bay was directing. And it was back to "oh fuck" for the fans. Honestly, I like the Bad Boys movies, but Pearl Harbor? There's a special place in my heart for The Rock as well, but then you have Armageddon, which to me was a colossal waste of a movie.

Hmm. A legend as a producer. An iffy director, but one who can handle action and explosions. This really could have gone either way.

So in my fine tradition of boiling reviews down to a single sentence: Transformers did not rape my childhood.



The story is all over. It opens with a Decepticon (read: giant evil robots from another world who take the shape of machines to disguise themselves) attack on an army base in the middle east. They're looking for info that apparently the U.S. government has about the Allspark - the source of life on their home world, Cybertron. Also seeking the spark, and sticking up for otherwise squashible humans, are the Autobots (read: the good guys). Fuck it I don't need to do much background, you know the toys/cartoon. Optimus Prime leads the Autobots. Josh Duhamel leads a group of the surviving soldiers as they try to make it the fuck out of the desert alive. Shia LaBeouf leads one of the luckiest lives around given he gets to stare at Megan Fox a whole lot.



Yes, people do get killed in this. No blood though kids - remember, it's PG-13, so things like blood can't be shown. And we wonder why kids today don't value life...

Meanwhile, Shia Le Poof is a kid who winds up with one of the Autobots for a car - a gift from dad for getting good grades. The late Bernie Mac plays the seedy used car dealer who offloads the camero-shaped Bumblebee (he was a VW Beetle in the cartoon), and we have our first WTF moment of the night. Because it's fucked that I'm referring to Bernie Mac in the past-tense.



Megan Fox is... uhhh... Megan Fox... ummm... ahh fuck it. She's the hottest piece of eye candy out there right now. I have no idea what her performance in this movie was like - I think it was decent. I was lost in my thoughts most of the time she was on-screen. She's the love interest for Shia's Sam Witwicky, the geeky kid who gets the girl. See, not only is his car a Transformer, as he soon learns, he's also a descendant of the man who first discovered the Transformers on earth, a century earlier when Megatron (voiced by Hugo Weaving), evil leader of the evil Decepticons, evily crashed in the evil North Pole. Evil.

Having fun yet?

Shia has his ancestor's eye glasses, upon which the location of the Allspark can be found.

There's a fuckload of subplots going on. Rachael Taylor plays an NSA team member who discovers the transmission/code the Decepticons are using to steal top secret data. There's something with the wife of Josh Duhamel's Captain Lennox that looks as if it was left entirely on
the cutting room floor. Jon Voight is the secretary of defense and is given some of the worst lines in a film not exactly teeming with stellar dialogue to begin with - although he delivers them as solidly as he can. John Turturro plays a seriously weird agent of Sector 7, a so-top-secret-even-the-government-doesn't-know-about-it government agency created under the Hoover administration to deal with the discovery of Megatron and the Allspark way back then.

We're going to do a G, B, and U breakdown from here:

The Good: The "transform" noise. Brings back memories. Peter Cullen returns to voice Optimus Prime. The effects are awesome, especially the transformations. The opening scene is strong, and sets the tone for the action sequences throughout. Lennox's wife making a "girls don't fart" reference, just because that's a personal gripe of mine. The robotic sounds over the studio logos gets you in the mood for a giant robot action flick.

The transform sound is actually soothing. Megan Fox. Sam's mother telling Sector 7 agents to get their hands "off her bush." The fact that the Autobots learned Earth's languages via the world wide web - oh fuck, look out for the lolspeak/l337speak, ppl!



The action overall. Megan Fox's ass. Seeing Optimus Prime for the first time. I still have that toy somewhere, and it was the coolest toy ever. Seriously, every kid wanted an Optimus Prime growing up.

The Bad: Hugo Weaving replacing the original voice of Megatron. Nothing against Mr. Weaving - he's awesome in The Matrix, Lord of the Rings, and I'm thrilled to hear he'll be in The Hobbit - but they brought back Peter Cullen for Optimus, and they really should have stuck with the rest of the original voice case as much as possible as well.



Megatron really doesn't resemble his cartoon alter-ego much.

The Allspark just reminds me of Energon cubes. If you know the cartoon, you know they're always looking for energon cubes. Multiple series have been built on this idea. Fuck. Find an alternative fuel source already!

Why is it always Earth that aliens come across in their intergalactic battles? I want to see a movie where we stumble across an alien world and COMPLETELY FUCK WITH THEM.

The Ugly: Too many subplots. Hopefully they pare down the number of human characters in the next one and keep it simple. Rachael Taylor's entire performance could have been dropped from this and you'd wind up with what is essentially the same movie.

The mouths of the Transformers move. Just fucking no.

And as much as I like John Turturro he's just a bit too camp for this.

That's about it. The reason I went this way is I passed the fuck out before the end of the movie and woke up to the DVD menu music. That's not a critique of the quality of the film, but rather the quality of the weed.

Final thoughts: Megan Fox has an awesome ass. Transformers in the end is an excellent popcorn movie, made a tad better than most by excellent CGI, solid action, decent acting, and remembering that in the end, this is a movie based on a toy. And it didn't rape my
childhood.



One more for the road...

Overall Rating: Half-Baked (3 out of 5) with a Bonus Toke for an extra .5

Family Guy: Blue Harvest (2007)

Release Date: 2007
Director: Dominic Polcino
Starring: Seth MacFarlane, Alex Borstein, Seth Green, Mila Kunis,
Chevy Chase, Adam West, Patrick Warburton,
Tagline: None - but the "real" Blue Harvest tagline was "Horror beyond imagination."
Random Trivia: When the Millenium Falcon jumps to Hyperspace, the Doctor Who theme/intro kicks in. The face shown is that of the 4th Doctor, played in the series by Tom Baker (the oldest surviving actor to have played the Doctor). Blue Harvest was actually a fake title used on Return of the Jedi to keep fans away from an on-location shoot.

Welcome to my Blue Harvest review, muthafuckas! With new and improved embedded YouTube clips.

And what that really means is, I got bored and decided to post some YouTube clips.

George Lucas actually approved this spoof. That almost - almost - makes me want to not torture him for the abomination that was the prequel trilogy.



Family Guy has been hit and miss since it returned to air after Fox canceled it and greenlit every lame-ass "I'm a whore on an island look at me" reality TV concept. Blue Harvest marks what is probably the best "episode" since it returned. I say "episode" as I'm reviewing the DVD release, which was put out separately from the rest of the season as a 48 minute straight-to-DVD feature with scenes not in the original broadcast.

"High" Lights:

- Spot on spoof of Star Wars.

- Blue Harvest is actually pretty accurate in its critique of the film, pointing out the obvious:

* Greedo should NOT shoot first.
* Was Luke's uncle NEVER tempted to tell him the truth about his father (wasn't his uncle Jimmy Smits? - this isn't in the episode, I just realized it).
* Who the hell designs a massive space station - the fucking Death Star no less - with an area completely vulnerable to attack that would allow a single shot to destroy the entire thing?!?



* Chris as Luke: "Um, isn't a parsec a unit of distance, not time?"

And then there's the random, and just plain fucking funny:

- Chevy Chase and Beverly D'Angelo turn up to voice Clark and Lois Griswald from the Vacation series.



- Obi-Wan played by the pedo Herbert

- Darth Stewie

- "Aren't you a little fat to be a storm trooper?"

- Herbert's light saber is limp



- Meg is that muck-monster in the garbage compactor

- The Cantina band calls for requests - "Play that same song!"



- Pothead references a'plenty!

- The Doctor Who scene is trippy and made me smile



- Danny Elfman really does ruin everything. For reference, see the horrid score to Terminator: Salvation. Way to fuck something up when half the work is already done for you!

- "You still got that bag I gave you?"



My only complaints are this: Herbert is awesome in small doses, and I have no problem with twisted humour. I'm probably going to hell. But the "I'm having the Time of My Life" musical number was too fucking long. Ol' Herb's boy-luvin' ass needs to be kept to short scenes and quick jokes or he gets tiresome.

That, and they used Rush Limbaugh for a gag. Fuck that fat fuck. Yup, that's well-crafted criticism, I know.

Spaceballs also deserves a mention at this point - as does the oft forgotten Hardware Wars (yes I've seen it), from back in 1977, and the Robot Chicken spoof - kindly pointed out at the end of the episode.

Hardware Wars:

I simply cannot wait for the Empire Strikes Back spoof, entitled "Something Something Something Dark Side." Oh, and Bobba Fett is played by the fucking Chicken!

Overall rating: 3/4 Baked (4 out of 5)

Hancock (2008)

Release Date: 2008
Director: Peter Berg
Starring: Will Smith, Jason Bateman, Charlize Theron
Tagline: "He is saving the world whether we like it or not."
Random Trivia:Vince Gilligan, who wrote the second draft of the script - which had been floating around for a decade before Sony finally picked it up - was credited as a writer on over two dozen episodes of The X-Files, and also gained producer credits later in the series.

What can I say about Hancock... oh, I'm the fucking reviewer. That's right. A lot.

I was lightly baked - buzzed by the end - for this. I thought I'd throw that in for no reason other than this: I find that being high doesn't really make a bad movie enjoyable, or a good movie dull. The high simply enhances a good movie - and makes the flaws of a bad one all the more obvious.



Hancock is a movie that doesn't know where its going. Much like Will Smith's Hancock himself, it doesn't know what its purpose is, isn't sure of itself, and is, for the most part, wasted potential.

The basics: John Hancock, known simply as Hancock, is a superhero. Just not a very good one. He causes more harm than good. The public hates him. He's an alcoholic. And then one day, as much by happenstance as by skill, he saves Ray Embrey (Jason Bateman), a P.R. guy who decides to return the favor - by giving Hancock an image makeover.



It's a great concept. A destructive superhero. A fuckup. A guy who can't stop a freeway chase without causing 9$ million in damages. Of course, Smith is already familiar with expensive freeway chases, having been part of Bad Boys 2. And there's problem number one: Smith gives it his all - but he really can't pull off gruff. His fake-ass neat beard that was supposed to look unkempt annoyed the fuck out of me. Was the fucking thing drawn on?

Despite that, problem number two is the bigger issue here: Hancock should have been an awesome dark comedy, but it seems those in charge didn't have the balls to go all the way. Halfway through we start leaning towards a family-friendly outing. Sure, the word asshole is thrown around a lot, but we've got the cute kid, the bonding moments, the whole "do the right thing and good things will happen" story line.



And we get lame shit like Hancock asking someone if it's ok to save them...

Let me tell you about my vision of Hancock: Hancock is a fuck-up. He's a guy with super powers, who just doesn't give a shit. He does the bare minimum for a guy with his talents - he saves people, because that's his role, and he doesn't know what else to do with his time - other than drink. He uses the word fuck. He shows up with tramps at seedy motels. He tries, in vain, to figure out just what the fuck he is and where he fits in. He causes all sorts of chaos when he does try to "help" - and he doesn't stick around to defend himself. If a couple bystanders get hurt due to his efforts, he doesn't give a shit. He's got tunnel vision.

That sort of Hancock would have been interesting, but its as if the writers/director got half way there - and then pussied out.

Instead, we get a luke-warm tale of redemption with one of the most idiotically contrived plots I've seen in ages. Hancock believes he's the only one of his kind, immortal, and unstoppable - but he has a weakness. I won't spoil it, but keep an eye out for lingering close-ups from Hancock's perspective.



The movie has its moments - YouTube holding a collection of Hancock's failures, Charlize Theron being smoking hot as Embrey's wife Mary, and a whale toss (spoiled by many a commercial) - but then there's Hancock shoving a guy's head up another guy's ass, done off-screen and fully clothed to ensure a safe rating. And instead of the awesomely dark character study/black comedy that could have been, we get a cheerful Will Smith vehicle that just exists, for no real reason other than that it wouldn't be summer without a Will Smith blockbuster. Actually, is there even one this year?

Overall rating: 1/4 Baked (2 out of 5)

The Happening (2008)

Release Date: 2008
Director: M. Night Shyamalan
Starring: Mark Wahlberg, John Leguizamo, Zooey Deschanel
Tagline: "We've Sensed It. We've Seen The Signs. Now... It's Happening."
Random Trivia: M. Night Shyamalan plays the voice of Joey, who is never seen on-screen. This is the first movie directed by Shyamalan where he doesn't appear on-screen, but continues his trend of having a small role in each of his movies.

It's M. Night Shyamalan - expect a twist, right?



I'm going to do something rash right off the bat. I'm going to ruin the end of this movie for you. If you view this as a calamity and wish to avoid my betrayal of the script, skip this review. Leave now. However, if you wish to avoid the calamity that is this movie, carry on.

You sure?

Here we go:

The plants did it.

Considering how pathetically fucking obvious this is thanks to multiple, lingering, foreboding shots of trees, bushes, and fields, I'm not sure I've really given much away. M. Night Shyamalan is getting really lazy with his "big twist" moments at this point. In fact, there's no real "big twist" ending in this movie at all. There is an obvious set up for future events not seen mind you, but the reveal comes much, much earlier, and we spend half the movie watching Wahlberg and co. run in terror from a summer breeze.



Seriously.

I will say this. There is an awesomely trippy-when-high intro of clouds rolling across the sky. Or maybe that was just me. Ooh, now the sky has turned dark. Scary.

Cut to: Puppy dog. Not so scary.

Where were we? Oh yes. A movie review. M. Night has about 2 and 2/3rds worth when it comes to decent movies - The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable, and two thirds of Signs. Actually my main complaint there was with the final act - once the aliens are revealed, the scary goes away. But I'll get to that in a future review. For now, we have this Mark Wahlberg vehicle of man getting his ass kicked by nature. Not in a gory, the trees are alive, strangled by a vine kind of way, but in a slow build, suspenseful thriller. Or I guess that was the goal here. Whatever it was, it fell short of the mark.

Lets look at why:

- After a strong start - something's up in Central Park, some people have become seemingly frozen still, and a bunch are killing themselves (including a lemming effect off the high-rises - very creepy, excellent scene), Shyamalan reveals a lame-duck plot that really doesn't strike much terror into our hearts: Nature has been pushed to the brink. It decides to fight back.

- We know Wahlberg is going to survive. His portrayal of High School science teacher Elliot Moore is too goody-goody not to. Oh, and the first of many conveniences - someone with a background in science, who happened to be lecturing on the wonders of nature, gets stuck battling it (or fleeing from it, mostly).

- We're not really terrified of an enemy all leafy and green, and the idea of plants releasing airborne biological warfare against us, while interesting, is set up in such a haphazard way that it just becomes silly.



- Obvious foreshadowing, with "why are the bees disappearing?" asked in Wahlberg's classroom early in the film, and the usual global warming/pollution etc. answers come out. Seriously, you don't have to make things this obvious. The audience is not THAT brain-dead.

* My pot-addled brain thinks it just saw Cameron from Ferris Bueller's Day Off. A quick check of IMDB - yup, that's Alan Ruck! When Cameron was in Egypt's land...

- Oh, and while we're on the school topic - no way is Wahlberg that cool with his students, and no class is that well-trained. On top of that, half the kids they cast as extras are too YOUNG to be high school kids (the opposite of the usual 30-year-old teenager I suppose)

So once the "Happening" begins, Wahlberg, his wife, friend Leguizamo, and Leguizamo's daughter hook up and try to outrun it. Which brings me to my next bunch of flaws:



- John Leguizamo - I love the guy, seriously, but I can't stop thinking him of the clown from Spawn, and he really just doesn't pull off a believable daddy here. I mean seriously, your wife is in peril, fine, so you just leave your child in the middle of shit? Fuck the bitch, save your kid! Instead, he runs off to try and save his missing wife. Exit Leguizamo.

- My pet peeve - the convenient expository character. Need your plot explained? Just throw in a guy who happens to know everything about plants! And is weird, that way you can pass it off as
artistic/cool/creepy/zany/good writing!

So at this point in the film, the trees and their cohorts the evil bushes and shrubs are targeting smaller and smaller groups of humans. Trees, plants, whatever. Wahlberg just freaked out over a potted plastic tree. And then we meet another ludicrously convenient character:

The crazy old lady who lives on her own (not in a shoe) and has been immune as a result since the plants have focused on targeting groups.

That's right, the plants are going for mass casualties!

Oh look, she's already nuts! Oh, our group of survivors has brought death upon her! Oh noes!

Look, this is a seriously interesting concept. I don't fault Wahlberg or any of the actors despite my complaint about Leguizamo, but that's more my issue. Shyamalan needs to get back to basics though. Quit trying for funky concepts. Do something flat out scary.

And if you're going to do a "nature attacks" theme - don't have the heroes running from a summer breeze that may or may not be carrying some kind of spore that might kill large groups of humans - but somehow the trees control this breeze, and smaller groups and individuals are relatively safe.



Yes, it's fucking grass. You know, come to think of it - if the events of this movie were to take place, this site would be fucked... just saying...

Overall rating: 1/4 Baked (2 out of 5)

The Illusionist (2006)

Release Date: 2006
Director: Neil Burger
Starring: Edward Norton, Paul Giamatti, Jessica Biel
Tagline: "Nothing is what it seems"
Random Trivia: Jessica Biel took over from Liv Tyler as the female lead after Tyler dropped out. Ed Norton preformed many of his own magic tricks, with the help of a magic coach. The role of the Crown Prince was loosely based on Crown Prince Rudolf of Austria, who murdered his lover before taking his own life at a hunting lodge in 1889, and whose wife was barren due to a rumored infection of venereal disease - given to her by the Crown Prince himself. Royalty - gotta love 'em!

The Illusionist is the second Edward Norton vehicle we're tackling this month, and the better of the two by far. Of course, it's apples and oranges - or well, action and drama - but this is one of those roles that reminds you just why Norton was feted so much as he was coming up.

I had an awesomely incoherent set of notes for this flick that I scribbled down in marker while munching out on meat patties and corn flakes - yup, how's that for a combo - but I seem to have misplaced my pants. Erm, my notes. So we'll see how my murky memory does with this one.



The plot is pretty simple: Forbidden love between Norton's Eisenheim and Biel's Sophie is dashed in their childhood days; she's royalty, he's a commoner. From there, as Paul Giamatti's Inspector Uhl tells us, Eisenheim vanished - but not before bestowing upon Sophie a special locket, and meeting a magician who would help shape his future. Or so we are led to believe. We see nothing of Eisenheim's middle years, only his return to Vienna at the turn of the century, where he begins performing the most masterful illusions the city has ever seen.

And, of course, no one fucking recognizes him.



Eisenheim's astonishing act attracts the attention of Giamatti's Chief Inspector, who informs the Crown Prince of the show. The Prince is an abusive tyrant who happens to enjoy picking apart magic, illusions, and is basically that lame kid in your grade school class with no damn imagination whatsoever who wants to spoil every magic trick he sees. You know that kid - he's the one who would yell out "it's in his pocket" or "there's a fake door" ad nauseam. He, of course, missed the whole point of the show - we know magic's fake, but it's still fucking cool, douchebag.

He also happens to be romantically tied to Sophie, a marriage to whom would, in conjunction with the Prince's plot to overthrow the Emperor, allow him to gain control of Hungary as well.

So we have our pompous if intelligent douchebag who doesn't get it, and our damsel in distress of sorts - or well, a damsel looking at an ugly marriage.



The Chief Inspector, on the other hand, DOES get it. He gets magic, and is a bit of an amateur at it himself. Eisenheim interests the intellectual in him - his illusions are extraordinary, his character gracious and seemingly beyond reproach. He's a guy who rakes in a fortune at the box office from the rich folks of Vienna then drops handfuls of coins into the outstretched hands of hungry street kids.

Giamatti nails this role. He plays the Chief Inspector as a simple man, the son of a butcher, who will never know what royalty is like, and always live on the edges of it, as he tells Eisenheim. What really shines through, however, is the Inspector's child-like glee. He loves to be amazed. Sure, he wants to know how tricks are done - but he still has that sense of wonder, of awe, of being so completely fooled and thrilled by a trick. He doesn't want to pull apart an illusion to prove it's fake, he just wants to know how something that awesome is pulled off. He's the type who would learn the secret behind it all - and never tell a soul.

If the Crown Prince is a skeptic Scully, Giamatti is an eager Mulder - he wants to believe. Eisenheim is so good, so perfect in his illusions that the Inspector is almost ready to believe that he really has power - and there's probably a part of him that would revel in that.



I'm going to stop here and point out that I love how much work this guy is getting now. Giamatti has range, and what he lacks in leading man looks (Norton has that covered) he makes up for with charisma. Shoot 'em Up? Hilarious! I cannot wait to see him in Bubba Nosferatu, no matter how pissed I am that The Chin isn't returning.

Now, back the the movie at hand. Eisenheim's illusions are amazing, and only hurt a little by being obviously CGI in some cases. They definitely kept my fried brain trying to puzzle out how they all came together.

Plotwise, well again, it's simple: Forbidden love. Sophie recognizes Eisenheim, although she doesn't let on. There's a secret meeting. Giamatti's Inspector of course finds out, and he's torn between his awe of Eisenheim and his duty to the Prince. Once the Crown Prince shuts Eisenheim down, after being unable to discredit him, things kick into high gear: The Illusionist wants Sophie to steal away with him, and that sort of shit never pans on in movies like these, does it? And of course that locket turns up again.



Excellent performances all around, a solid script, and enough twists deliver a solid outing, and the final thing I remember is Inspector Uhl applauding Eisenheim's ultimate illusion, elated that "magic" has once again won out, and more than happy to have been fooled.

Some quick final thoughts:

- Never promise a girl that you'll run away with her. It always ends badly.
- Don't give it away all at once girl - this comment brought to you by the pothead sitting next to me when Biel gives Norton a peck on the lips.
- I figured out much of the "Orange Trick" as it unfolded; only the butterflies eluded me.
- The butterflies, however, reminded me of a Stephen King short story, The Death of Jack Hamilton, in which John Dillenger shows his skill at lassoing flies. I must be fucked up.

Overall rating: 3/4 Baked (4 out of 5)

I Love You, Man (2009)

Release Date: 2009

Director: John Hamburg
Starring: Paul Rudd, Jason Segel, J.K. Simmons, Andy Samberg
Tagline: "Are You Man Enough to Say It?"
Random Trivia: J.K. Simmons character Oswald was named after the HBO prison drama he previously starred in, the absolutely awesome "Oz." Rashida Jones is a Harvard grad.

I do not love you, man. And just who the fuck coined the term Bromance, and where do I line up to beat them with a sack of oranges?

I know HalfBaked is going to vehemently disagree with me, but I Love You, Man bored me to death, and that's saying something considering the comedy-friendly state I was in. The very comedy friendly state.

Look, it has its moments, including a crapload of Rush references which, as a Canuck, I appreciated - but there were far too many "lets make something so cringe-worthy and awkward that people will laugh" scenes. That's not comedy. I shouldn't laugh because something is awkward or embarrassing in a forced way. Comedy should be natural; laughter should be an instantaneous gut reaction.

I tend to lecture a lot in my reviews so I'm going to skip to the chase in this one:

Paul Rudd is Peter Klaven, real estate agent, engaged to marry the girl of his dreams and apparently either a huge loser or completely dedicated to his work, since he lacks a single male friend to serve as his best man. The obvious choice here would be his openly gay brother Robbie (Andy Samberg), who takes pride in hitting on straight guys working out at the gym where he works as a trainer. Robbie is the apple of his father's (J. K. Simmons) eye, because he still comes off as more manly than Peter - and he's also one of the only funny characters in the film.

Of course, if Peter went with this option, there would be no film. Instead, he opts to try a man-date with a guy who fingers him as gay, a disastrous night out with his brother-in-law, and finally, a random encounter with Sydney Fife (Jason Segel) - who showed up to Peter's open house for the free food. Sydney is the world's oldest boy, a Rush-loving, zany man-child that guys are supposed to identify with. About the only telling character moment comes when we see Sydney's other friends - who have all grown into married with children weekend warriors, leaving Sydney disconnected and alone.

Syd and Pete hit it off, and proceed to spend half the movie jamming out to Rush tunes (and at one point, seeing the band live - kudos for the cameo, gotta love Giddy Lee). Then the completely predictable plot kicks in: Sydney rubs Peter's fiancee Zooey (Rashida Jones) the wrong way, becomes an embarrassment, gives a horrible speech at a pre-wedding party, but turns up in time for the wedding with Zooey's blessing. And we all live happily ever after. Bleh.

The gags in this puppy are really hit and miss: Projectile vomiting, Sydney acting crazy, and his attempt to help out Peter's career by borrowing money off Pete and spending it on billboards promoting him as an over-the-top, zany real estate agent - the property moving version of Sydney himself basically. I probably laughed a half-dozen times in the movie at best.

There's also a side-plot with Peter trying to selling Lou "The Hulk" Ferrigno's mansion, notable because it's the second Fully Baked Review in a row where Ferrigno gets a mention.

I will say this: I Love You, Man was probably not helped by the fact that I saw the awesomeness that is Star Trek just before it. But that's about all I can say. Seriously, they should just make a movie about Robbie, because Samberg is actually fucking funny, and you could mess around a lot with the premise of him corrupting straight guys. Probably too contreversial and all, but at least it wouldn't be predictable.

Overall rating: 1/4 Baked (2 out of 5)

The Incredible Hulk (2008)

Release Date: 2008
Director: Louis Leterrier
Starring: Edward Norton, William Hurt, Tim Roth, Liv Tyler
Tagline: "You'll like him when he's angry."
Random Trivia: Louis Leterrier was responsible for one of the most disappointing sequels in my short lifetime, Transporter 2. Both the Hulk, the voice of the animated Hulk, and the actor who played Bruce Banner (in the show, Hulk and Banner were portrayed by separate actors) appear in the movie.



Never mind the tagline. You wouldn't like Edward Norton when he's angry, so long as he's got some impressive CGI backing him up. Calm, it could go either way. In any case, he's not a particularly intimidating guy.

The first thing I want to say about 2008's The Incredible Hulk (billed as a reboot, although most of the movie takes place as Bruce Banner tries to cure himself of the gamma radiation and mutation that makes him the Hulk): Yes, the Hulk says "Hulk Smash".

In a quick comparison, The Incredible Hulk is a better movie than Ang Lee's more subdued version from a few years back, if taken on action movie terms. While there's no Nick Nolte or Jennifer Connelly, Edward Norton lends some star power (more than Eric Bana anyway), the effects are much better, and the action is top-notch. Add in a last minute cameo by Robert Downey Jr.'s Tony Stark, and the movie almost redeems the big green lug.

Almost.

Lee's big-screen Hulk was one of the few superhero movies to put me to sleep. Literally. Fucking snoring. There were witnesses. Now, don't get me wrong - I'm all for what Lee was trying to do. Serious drama, detailed back story. It just ... didn't come together. Not a horrible shot but just not all there.

Marvel, not one to let the property die given their plans for an Avengers movie, needed fresh blood.

Which brings us back to Norton and the lack of physicality he brings to the role. Yes, I get that Bruce Banner is not meant to be ripped to begin with. The Hulk is a separate beast. And the film has plenty of edge of your seat action; no faults there. I just never bought Norton as the Hulk, and at times I even had trouble seeing him as Banner. The guy is one of the best actors of his generation, and I have no doubt he was passionate about the project, but physically, he's not up to the roll. I spent much of the movie envisioning his Fight Club character, wimpy and rather spineless, even in the intense training scenes at the opening of the movie as Banner tries to control his dark side.

Norton *is* capable of playing tough - see the opening scenes of American History X - but he's too soft here. Sigh. I hate to say this - he and I are done professionally - but this is a role for a Christian Bale-type actor, someone we can buy as fighting to control the beast inside.



With Norton, I'm shocked the Hulk didn't rip right out of him. Regulating his breathing, practicing restraint, various meditation techniques - I really wasn't buying Banner's triumph in this regard. And of course, it's all just a set up for when he inevitably fails later in the film and the Hulk breaks loose.

Moving forward, The Incredible Hulk also suffers from an overabundance of romantic interludes between Norton's Banner and Liv Tyler's Betty Ross. My internal monologue, which never seems to shut the hell up, was yelling "boring" at this part of the film. Being lightly baked does not provoke any desire to see romance on my part. It's no fault of the actors - Tyler has actually come a long way as an actress, and while sometimes heavy on the sap, makes a convincing love interest, soothing the savage beast. These scenes, however, seem almost thrown in as an afterthought, and serve only to slow the pace of the film. Screen vet William Hurt, meanwhile, spends far too much time hamming it up as the General in charge of reigning in Banner and, later, Abomination.



Here's where the flick gets things right this time out, however - the aforementioned Abomination. Every superhero needs a super-villain - M. Night Shyamalan got that right in Unbreakable. Abomination, as played by Tim Roth, starts out as a veteran soldier, the kind of guy who fights not just because he's good at it, but because he's come to like it. It's what he is.

Come to think of it (although at this point, my thought process has become quiet muddled), he essentially says this to Hurt's General Ross, shortly before signing up for a Hulkinization program that sees his own body juiced up into that of a super-soldier. When going up against the Hulk the second time out ends in a squashin' even with the added juicing, he goes back for round three with a mix of procedures that mutates him beyond what the Hulk becomes, into the monstrosity that is Abomination.



You have to love the "uh guys? maybe we should think about this" look on Roth's face for this procedure...

While not the brightest of foes - this is basically smash meets crush - it invokes a breath-taking climatic battle between the two behemoths that makes up for most of the film's earlier shortcomings, and the fact that it dresses up Ti-Cats territory as New York (that's Hamilton, Ontario for those not stuck there).



So some quick final notes from my now completely hazy brain:

- The shameless plug for Norton 360 was shameless. Fuck you Symantec.
- Why even have actual product placements then use the usual fake-ass GUI for all the top-secret military software? Try to be convincing guys...
- We've seen this intro. Again, and again, and again. Fincher did it in Fight Club. Raimi did it in Spider-Man. Stop with the overkill already!
- Hulk Smash
- Liv Tyler Hot
- Lou Ferrigno (the big green guy on the old TV show) shows up in a cameo as a security guard bribed by Bruce Banner, with a pizza. You've got to wonder - is that actually what Ferrigno was paid for making the appearance? Then again, he got work in I Love You Man...
- he also does Hulk's voice here
- and his arms are gross

Overall Rating: Half-Baked (3 out of 5)

From Dusk til Dawn (1996)

Release Date: 1996
Director: Robert Rodriguez
Starring: George Clooney, Quentin Tarantino, Harvey Keitel, Salma Hayek, Juliette Lewis
Tagline: "One night is all that stands between them and freedom. But it's going to be a hell of a night."
Random Trivia: Quentin Tarantino adapted the screenplay and co-starred. An alternate tagline for the film - "Vampires. No Interviews." - takes a shot at Anne Rice's vampire staple. George Clooney actually starred in two shows called ER.

Just what the fuck is From Dusk til Dawn, really? It shifts from a gritty heist gone wrong action/cons on the run flick to a fucked up B-horror seamlessly, moving from one to the other in a heartbeat. That's why I loved it way back when, at first glance (and missing half the damn movie at the time). That's why it's awesome now. It's batshit crazy. That's probably the best description I can come up with:

Batshit. Crazy.



Cast - George Clooney. Salma Hayek. Quentin Tarantino. Cheech Marin. Harvey Keitel. Juliette Lewis. Danny Trejo. And Tom Savini?!? Yeah, the effects make-up guy is a biker with a cock-pistol and a whip.

Weird undertones? We have them.

Superb cast, so lets look at the story.

Dusk starts out with the Gecko brothers, two cons on the run. Seems there was a good ol' jailbreak, with the younger, dimmer of the two cons, Tarantino's Richard, busting big brother Seth (Clooney) out of the joint. What follows is a botched hold-up that sets a gruesome tone. Blood and immolation. Shortly after, Richard takes it upon himself to rape and kill the pair's lone hostage. It seems Richard has some intimacy problems; well don't we all - but this leaves the brothers Gecko in need of a ride and a new hostage.

Enter the Fuller family: father Jacob, a minister played with subdued confidence by Keitel, daughter Kate, played by Juliette Lewis, and son Scott, a Chinese American adoptee.

Where were we? Oh, right. Story. With Seth keeping nutjob little brother Richard on a short leash, the five - two wanted men, three hostages - head south for the border. Mexico. Is there any jam running there can't get you out of?

Baked reviewer's note: Tarantino should really stay behind the camera - his cheese acting makes the kid playing Scott Fuller, Keitel's on-screen son, look talented. That, by the way, is Ernest Liu, who was never in anything of note ever again, unless you consider Married... with Children clone Unhappily Ever After notable.

Down south, the brother's are set to meet some criminal associate of theirs, because if there's anyone you can trust, it's some guy who wants to meet at some bar in some town you've never heard of in Mexico. That screams security to me!

On the plus side, the bar in question is called Titty Twister. So you know I'd probably go. Although Cheech Marin's claim of having every type of pussy available to patrons doesn't help much - I mean really. Smelly pussy? Horse pussy?

There are some roads even I won't go down.



In the club, the movie takes off. This is where we shift gears from cons on the road to fucked up B-Movie, thanks to the use of gratuitous nudity and violence (my favorite combo!) - girls dancing on tables, random bar fights that no one blinks an eye at, weapons-based pissing contests, etc.

And then the big reveal: House special Salma Hayek goes from hottest strip tease ever to ugly-ass reptile bitch in seconds. Fuck! How is that even a vampire?



In any case, she looks pure fucking ugly; a three legged dog on viagara wouldn't hit that.

You may notice that the majority of the photos accompanying this review are of Salma in hot striptease mode - are you fucking complaining?

Soon after Hayek's chowing down on Richard - can Tarantino never act again please? - the rest of the vampires show up. Seems most of the staff and regulars of Titty Twister, including Danny Trejo and Cheech Marin, are undead. The other creatures at least look like vampires; instead of Hayek who looks like one of the aliens from V.

The film becomes a last stand, with Seth, Jacob, Scott, and Kate forced to fight together, along with a couple of the Titty Twister's other surviving patrons (Savini included). Who lives? Who dies? Who fucking cares??? This is sheer carnage and gore, B-movie violence and titties at their best. If this rampage had been sustained for the entire film, we'd be looking at a fully baked flick! As it stands it's an awesome movie to watch while partaking in a little... something...



Weapons check: crossbow. Super-soaker with holy water. Shotgun made into a cross. Jackhammer with a wooden stake on the end of it (this is a fucked up kind of cool, but it really looks like a giant dildo a la Frank Drebin's sex shop find in the second Naked Gun movie).

Cue the last stand. And the end of my review. Go watch the fucking thing.

Random thoughts:

- How many roles does Cheech play? Dave is not fucking here, man!
- Hayek looks a bit awkward doing that striptease, but damn if she isn't smoking!
- I laughed my ass off during the carnage

Of the films I've reviewed thus far - this would be the best to get baked to.

One more for the road:



Overall rating: 3/4 Baked (4 out of 5)