Signs (2002)

Release Date: 2002
Director: M. Night Shyamalan
Starring: Mel Gibson, Joaquin Phoenix, Rory Culkin
Tagline: "It's Not Like They Didn't Warn Us."
Random Trivia: Paul Newman and Clint Eastwood both turned down the lead role, which was originally written as an older character.

I've said it before, but it bears repeating: M. Night Shyamalan has two and two thirds worth of quality film shot to date. The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable, and the first two thirds of Signs. I'm sure I'll address those others at some point, but it's a cloudy day, I'm high, and I feel like a few chills (note to HalfBaked: you jumped in Drag Me to Hell, there's witnesses, and I do believe the corn field scenes in Signs are rather creepy. Yeah Yeah I'm sure you wouldn't jump at them...).



Shoes. Corn. PJs.

Signs is the story of Graham Hess, who gives up the church (where he was a Reverend) after his wife is killed walking at the side of the road when a driver nods off and loses control. Graham lives a simple farm life with his kids Morgan (Rory Culkin) and Bo (Abigail Breslin), and his brother Merrill (Joaquin Phoenix), a former minor-league star who holds the home run - and strike-out - records.

Graham struggles through life as a single, widowed father, brother pitching in, until one day the kids, alerted by the family pups, discover what is soon to become national news - crop circles in their corn fields. Soon enough, the crop circles spread across the globe, begging the question: What kind of Signs are they, and do we have any idea what title we could give this movie? Anything at all that would be suitable? Short, to the point, and completely descriptive of the movie's contents? Anything???



For the first two thirds of the movie, Shyamalan nails it. The atmosphere. The performances. The jump scares. The corn field scenes are fucking creepy.



As the plot unfolds, alien ships show up over Earth. The Hess family finds someone - or something - creeping around their yard, walking on their roof, and Bo does some creepy shit like getting "feelings" and saying "There's a monster in my room can I have a glass of water."



Not to mention tinfoil hats, in one of the best scenes ever to feature tinfoil hats.

Early on, the movie suffers from the typical Shyamalan plot devices - the convenient source of info, which happens to be a book on alien invasion which has all the answers, and himself - a tepid performance as the driver responsible for the death of Graham's wife. Who happens to have trapped an alien in his pantry. 'Ol Mother Hubbard?

Overall, however the movie rocks and builds to a climax as the family boards up the house to fend off alien ground troops.

And then, with the four of them holed up in the basement, door jammed, lights flickering, they-

drop the fucking ball. I'm calling out M. Night on this one. You should have stopped the movie here! Have some balls and end it on a cliffhanger. Let the audience decide whether the Hess family lives or dies. Cut to black, and leave it, because this is the high point of the movie. It's fucking scary, at least as a concept, and it works out pretty good on film.

Alas, the movie continues, because Hollywood likes neat endings, and Shyamalan needs his twist. And it stops being scary with the big reveal - the lame ass, poorly lit CGI alien.



From here on out, Shyamalan begins a downward spiral - in this flick, and career-wise.

I'm still giving it a decent rating. It was a cool concept that just didn't have the stones to go all the way, but it's still damn entertaining. The twist - how they fend off the alien, and how all kinds of signs pointed to that moment - was half-baked, which reflects the score the movie is getting.

That's not to say you shouldn't watch it. With the lights out. On a stormy night. Just turn it off when things go dark in the basement...

Overall Rating: Half-Baked (3 out of 5)

The Bourne Ultimatum (2007)

Release Date: 2007
Director: Paul Greengrass
Starring: Mat Damon, Julia Stiles
Tagline: "This Summer Jason Bourne Comes Home."
Random Trivia: Jason Bourne never smiles in the movie, and I never smiled watching it.

Does my random trivia give away my thoughts on this one?

I don't even know where to begin. There's some sort of plot, but it's fucking messy. I've seen the first two movies. The first one was horrible, and the second one I can say that I at least enjoyed for a few action shots.

Lets stick to simple: Jason Bourne still doesn't know who the fuck he is, only that he's a trained killing machine somehow involved with the government. He's all over Europe, and suddenly finds a reporter writing about him in the paper. Seems the reporter has a source who knows the truth about who and what he is. And of course, Bourne needs to find him.



That's all you need to know. Now let me break down all that is wrong with this movie.

It insists upon itself. That's right, Lois. It takes itself far too seriously for a Bond ripoff, and Mat Damon, due to the no smiling policy, gets no decent quips, looks grumpy the whole film (ok so he has reason but no one walks around that pissed off 24/7), and in general, there's no levity at all whatsoever in the movie.

Fuck the plot, as I mentioned. I could barely follow it. I'm not sure if being baked really had much to do with that.

My exact notes: WTF?? WTF?? Did Mat Damon just pull out a dish towel?!? (yup, and he's fighting with it, and there's noises showing how brutal and hard this dish towel or whatever the fuck it is, is. Yeah I worded that horribly. Big whoop, wanna fight about it?).

I can't even make out the action because of the fucking SHAKY CAM! It's giving me a headache. WTF!

Here endeth my notes on the action sequence that is the towel fight.

Seriously, I don't think Paul Greengrass actually filmed any fights. I'm fairly certain that instead, he took a bunch of quick shaky shots of Mat Damon looking angry, badass, etc., and then edited them together with some sound effects to make it seem like there was a fight staged.

It's that bad. This is one of the worst-shot movies I've ever seen in regards to action sequences. At least for any movie that had something resembling a budget.

This is not the most eloquent review, and for good reason: The entire movie was a waste of my fucking time.



Hi Cat. There's a cat looking at me.

I'd attempt to smack the director and producers of this dreck, but on second thought I'll just hastily edit something together to make it look like I did. It worked at the box office for The Bourne Ultimatum...

Overall Rating: Buzzed (1 out of 5)

Bad Boys 2 (2003)

Release Date: 2003
Director: Michael Bay
Starring: Martin Lawrence, Will Smith, Joe Pantoliano
Tagline: -
Random Trivia: Michael Bay is in the movie as the driver of a car Marcus tries to commandeer.

So a bunch of years pass after the original Bad Boys. Michael Bay puts out Pearl Harbor, Martin Lawrence stinks it up with Black Knight, and Will Smith has the disappointing Men in Black II - although to be honest, he also had Ali.

Which leads us to Bad Boys II, where director and stars will attempt to get each individual career back on track.



In case you were not aware, this film is also set in Miami.

It's equal billing this time. My how the mighty have fallen. Lawrence was panned in Black Night, and really hasn't done much of anything other than Big Momma's House as far as hits go. Seriosuly, it's rather sad as he's way more talented than that gimmick. Whatever. Bay would probably rather shoot a cereal commercial before revisiting Pearl Harbor, and even Smith could use a return to solid action.

So what do we get? One of the most controversial action movies in years. Fuck yeah! It's not that the movie is overly great - it's on par with the original, but it's just a big dumb action movie with shaky cam work. But apparently, some booty shaking and a naked female corpse with a huge rack bloodied the waters, and the censorship happy legions and conservative rightwing nutjobs came out swinging.

We also get one of the most killer opening action sequences around (The Dark Knight has since surpassed it but that's talking apples and oranges).

There's a lot going on here, but in reality, it's all mindless action, so I'll skip to the chase:



As the film opens, Marcus Bennett (Lawrence) and Mike Lowery (Smith) go undercover to raid a bunch of KKK creeps who also happen to be running Ecstasy. The X is being sold in clubs to various slutty looking chicks - see above - in plain sight, making this operation the worst kept secret since Tom Cruise being secretly straight. Err...

The drugs in question belong to Johnny Tapia (Jordi Mollà), who happens to see himself as some sort of Christ-like figure, has an endearing mom with a wicked shotgun, and who has no problem cutting up Russian mobsters and shooting his own cousin for failing him. He also dotes on his daughter whilst threesoming with some of the most brain-dead chicks in the southern U.S.

Class act all around is what I'm trying to say.



Yup, that's one huge-ass pair of dead titties. Once Tapia gets his money for the X, he then smuggles it back to Cuba in bodies.

Meanwhile, Syd, little sister of Marcus, is deep undercover - unbeknownst to him - trying to take Tapia down, when the "Bad Boys" get involved.

There's what little you need to know of the plot.

Bad Boys 2 raked in the dough at the box office, thanks in part to a massive amount of media coverage over gratuitous violence and objectification of women. Wow. Dead boobs managed to steal headlines. I guess it paved the way for the frenzy we had with Anna Nicole Smith going tits up.



Over the course of the film, the guys shoot things, shit blows up, and a good time was had by all. Except most of the people who wound up dead.



Random Pothead Observations:

- Lawrence is wearing a Michael Vick jersey. This is before Vick blew his career by being an inhumane asshole.

- Henry Rollins appears in the opening sequence then pretty much vanishes. He plays the usual Henry Rollins hardass character.

- Rollins' character is also a tool - the guys bust a drug ring, seize a ton of illegal arms, attempted murder charges to go around, and the guy isn't happy.

- Marcus gets no action in either movie. How sad. Let this be a lesson, kids: Never marry.

- Things I never want to personally say: "I smell my ass burning."

One last thing I learned from this movie:



Apparently, rats fuck just like us!

Overall Rating: Half-Baked (3 out of 5)

Bad Boys (1995)

Release Date: 1995
Director: Michael Bay
Starring: Martin Lawrence, Will Smith,Téa Leoni, Joe Pantoliano
Tagline: "Whatcha gonna do?"
Random Trivia: Bay's first movie, as he made the step from commercial guy to big action guy. The roles of Marcus and Mike were supposedly written for Jon Lovitz and Dana Carvey. Will Smith's Mike Lowrey was also destined for Arsenio Hall at one point.

Just so we're clear:



Bad Boys takes place in Miami.

I loved this film when it first came out. Sure, it's a film who stole it's title from the theme song to COPS, but I tend to go for action-packed cop films of the Leathal Weapon, Die Hard, Beverly Hills Cop variety. Then along came the mid-90s and most of those films either had weak sequels (Die Hard with a Vengeance, Beverly Hills Cop 3) or dried up completely for a while.

Enter Michael Bay, making his feature film directorial debut. Seriously. Whilst oft derided for the carnage and sheer stupidity of his films, I think the main issue most people really have - probably without knowing it - is that he spawned a legion of imitators who flooded the market with big explosions making up for little or no plot development.

When you look at his actual catalog, however, he really hasn't done that much of the offensive variety: a forgettable waste of time (Armageddon) that was marketed like crazy and did fill the theatres, and the bomb that was Pearl Harbor. Aside from that, you've got a decent film in The Rock, the Bad Boys movies, and Transformers. That's it. They may not be to your liking, but he probably takes more shit than he deserves.

Up til Bad Boys, Bay had done commercials, a Playboy model video, and a couple of music videos. Then along came this Martin Lawrence vehicle, with the comedian playing lead in a buddy-cop action drama that obviously took a few ideas from Eddie Murphy's best known franchise. Oh and that's right - Martin Lawrence took first billing in this. The role of Mike Lowery, given to Will Smith after Bay saw him on Fresh Prince of Bel Air, was originally slated for Arsenio Hall. Which would have been a fucking disaster.



Throw in Joe Pantoliano (later seen in The Matrix pondering why he didn't take the blue pill) and a pre-David Duchovney Téa Leoni (damn hot in this flick), and you've got a pretty strong cast. All it needs is a bad guy ripped straight out of Die Hard - check! - and you're ready to go.



I think that plummet actually symbolizes Tea's career after this movie.

People's main complaint about Bay's movies is the gratuitous violence and sleaze. That's half the reason I watch these type of movies!



If that's not your thing, obviously you're skipping it. But the original Bad Boys is a fun flick otherwise. Lawrence as Marcus pulls off the family man who's trying to juggle his home life with being a cop, and Smith easily settles into the role of rich kid living his dream. Of course we need a story, so a friend of Smith's Mike Lowrey gets killed, a bunch of drugs are lifted from the police lockup, Téa is the only witness, and the rest of the movie is action, explosions, and Captain Howard (Pantoliano) pulling his hair out as the price tag for all the carnage continues to grow.

Made all the more fun since I was baked, I really have no issue with these flicks. I feel like this entire review is becoming an apology for liking mindless action, but fuck it - the real contreversy didn't kick in til Bad Boys 2 came out anyway. The first film is a pretty standard affair helped out by a strong cast.

And since you've got two funny guys in the lead instead of one, you get some pretty good quips:

(Re Lowery's car): It's a shiny dick with two chairs in it!

"Don't be alarmed, we're negroes..."



Lets take a close look at the image above. Closer. Just a little closer... that's right! If you've got a keen eye, you'll catch it - Martin Lawrence is the ONLY black guy at that club other than his partner!



Fire!

I actually do like Téa Leoni and it's a shame her show, The Naked Truth, didn't last longer. Yes, I actually watched it.



What else can we say about this flick? It's often forgotten, but this was the flick that proved Will Smith could work on the big screen as an action star. Independence Day came out the following summer, and from there on, the Will Smith Summer Blockbuster became a common occurrence.



Final thoughts: If baked, needing action with some comedy, and the first Beverly Hills Cop is not available (or you just watched it), Bad Boys is an excellent choice.



Overall Rating: Half-Baked (3 out of 5)

Transformers (2007)

Release Date: 2007
Director: Michael Bay
Starring: Megan Fox, Peter Cullen, Shia LaBeouf, Josh Duhamel, Rachael Taylor, John Turturro, Jon Voight, Hugo Weaving
Tagline: "Their war. Our world."
Random Trivia: The voice of Orson Welles from War of the Worlds is heard via Bumblebee's radio. Welles final role recorded was the voice of the planet-eating Unicron in the 1986 Transformers animated movie. In police car mode, Barricade has "To punish and enslave" printed on him. Megan Fox *drools*...

If you watch no other movie with a hot chick bending over the hood of a car, at least watch this one!



Yeah, we know what you're thinking Shia!

Welcome to my Transformers review. I've been a bit behind, this being the first time I've smoked in a while. But I'm in a good mood tonight, the highest I've been for weeks, and I thought with Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen due, I'd get to a Transformers review. Like how we reviewed the three Terminator movies as Terminator: Salvation came out. Did I say three??? Well... pot will do that to you.

I'm also going on a Michael Bay kick and will have a couple more of his explosion-laden flicks on the way. In the meantime:

Transformers, a fucking Hasbro toy. One of the coolest toys ever I might add. A cool cartoon to go with it, and the greatest casting move ever in the animated movie from the 80s - Orson Welles as the planet-destroying Unicron. For a simple toy, that's quite the heritage, and a live-action movie, when announced, sounded like a studio cash grab - a horrid idea. How the hell could any movie live up to the various cartoon series and toy lines?

Going back to development, there were cries of "this will rape my childhood." The only bright spot was that Steven Spielberg was producing. Then we got word the Michael "Lets Blow Shit Up Real Good" Bay was directing. And it was back to "oh fuck" for the fans. Honestly, I like the Bad Boys movies, but Pearl Harbor? There's a special place in my heart for The Rock as well, but then you have Armageddon, which to me was a colossal waste of a movie.

Hmm. A legend as a producer. An iffy director, but one who can handle action and explosions. This really could have gone either way.

So in my fine tradition of boiling reviews down to a single sentence: Transformers did not rape my childhood.



The story is all over. It opens with a Decepticon (read: giant evil robots from another world who take the shape of machines to disguise themselves) attack on an army base in the middle east. They're looking for info that apparently the U.S. government has about the Allspark - the source of life on their home world, Cybertron. Also seeking the spark, and sticking up for otherwise squashible humans, are the Autobots (read: the good guys). Fuck it I don't need to do much background, you know the toys/cartoon. Optimus Prime leads the Autobots. Josh Duhamel leads a group of the surviving soldiers as they try to make it the fuck out of the desert alive. Shia LaBeouf leads one of the luckiest lives around given he gets to stare at Megan Fox a whole lot.



Yes, people do get killed in this. No blood though kids - remember, it's PG-13, so things like blood can't be shown. And we wonder why kids today don't value life...

Meanwhile, Shia Le Poof is a kid who winds up with one of the Autobots for a car - a gift from dad for getting good grades. The late Bernie Mac plays the seedy used car dealer who offloads the camero-shaped Bumblebee (he was a VW Beetle in the cartoon), and we have our first WTF moment of the night. Because it's fucked that I'm referring to Bernie Mac in the past-tense.



Megan Fox is... uhhh... Megan Fox... ummm... ahh fuck it. She's the hottest piece of eye candy out there right now. I have no idea what her performance in this movie was like - I think it was decent. I was lost in my thoughts most of the time she was on-screen. She's the love interest for Shia's Sam Witwicky, the geeky kid who gets the girl. See, not only is his car a Transformer, as he soon learns, he's also a descendant of the man who first discovered the Transformers on earth, a century earlier when Megatron (voiced by Hugo Weaving), evil leader of the evil Decepticons, evily crashed in the evil North Pole. Evil.

Having fun yet?

Shia has his ancestor's eye glasses, upon which the location of the Allspark can be found.

There's a fuckload of subplots going on. Rachael Taylor plays an NSA team member who discovers the transmission/code the Decepticons are using to steal top secret data. There's something with the wife of Josh Duhamel's Captain Lennox that looks as if it was left entirely on
the cutting room floor. Jon Voight is the secretary of defense and is given some of the worst lines in a film not exactly teeming with stellar dialogue to begin with - although he delivers them as solidly as he can. John Turturro plays a seriously weird agent of Sector 7, a so-top-secret-even-the-government-doesn't-know-about-it government agency created under the Hoover administration to deal with the discovery of Megatron and the Allspark way back then.

We're going to do a G, B, and U breakdown from here:

The Good: The "transform" noise. Brings back memories. Peter Cullen returns to voice Optimus Prime. The effects are awesome, especially the transformations. The opening scene is strong, and sets the tone for the action sequences throughout. Lennox's wife making a "girls don't fart" reference, just because that's a personal gripe of mine. The robotic sounds over the studio logos gets you in the mood for a giant robot action flick.

The transform sound is actually soothing. Megan Fox. Sam's mother telling Sector 7 agents to get their hands "off her bush." The fact that the Autobots learned Earth's languages via the world wide web - oh fuck, look out for the lolspeak/l337speak, ppl!



The action overall. Megan Fox's ass. Seeing Optimus Prime for the first time. I still have that toy somewhere, and it was the coolest toy ever. Seriously, every kid wanted an Optimus Prime growing up.

The Bad: Hugo Weaving replacing the original voice of Megatron. Nothing against Mr. Weaving - he's awesome in The Matrix, Lord of the Rings, and I'm thrilled to hear he'll be in The Hobbit - but they brought back Peter Cullen for Optimus, and they really should have stuck with the rest of the original voice case as much as possible as well.



Megatron really doesn't resemble his cartoon alter-ego much.

The Allspark just reminds me of Energon cubes. If you know the cartoon, you know they're always looking for energon cubes. Multiple series have been built on this idea. Fuck. Find an alternative fuel source already!

Why is it always Earth that aliens come across in their intergalactic battles? I want to see a movie where we stumble across an alien world and COMPLETELY FUCK WITH THEM.

The Ugly: Too many subplots. Hopefully they pare down the number of human characters in the next one and keep it simple. Rachael Taylor's entire performance could have been dropped from this and you'd wind up with what is essentially the same movie.

The mouths of the Transformers move. Just fucking no.

And as much as I like John Turturro he's just a bit too camp for this.

That's about it. The reason I went this way is I passed the fuck out before the end of the movie and woke up to the DVD menu music. That's not a critique of the quality of the film, but rather the quality of the weed.

Final thoughts: Megan Fox has an awesome ass. Transformers in the end is an excellent popcorn movie, made a tad better than most by excellent CGI, solid action, decent acting, and remembering that in the end, this is a movie based on a toy. And it didn't rape my
childhood.



One more for the road...

Overall Rating: Half-Baked (3 out of 5) with a Bonus Toke for an extra .5

Family Guy: Blue Harvest (2007)

Release Date: 2007
Director: Dominic Polcino
Starring: Seth MacFarlane, Alex Borstein, Seth Green, Mila Kunis,
Chevy Chase, Adam West, Patrick Warburton,
Tagline: None - but the "real" Blue Harvest tagline was "Horror beyond imagination."
Random Trivia: When the Millenium Falcon jumps to Hyperspace, the Doctor Who theme/intro kicks in. The face shown is that of the 4th Doctor, played in the series by Tom Baker (the oldest surviving actor to have played the Doctor). Blue Harvest was actually a fake title used on Return of the Jedi to keep fans away from an on-location shoot.

Welcome to my Blue Harvest review, muthafuckas! With new and improved embedded YouTube clips.

And what that really means is, I got bored and decided to post some YouTube clips.

George Lucas actually approved this spoof. That almost - almost - makes me want to not torture him for the abomination that was the prequel trilogy.



Family Guy has been hit and miss since it returned to air after Fox canceled it and greenlit every lame-ass "I'm a whore on an island look at me" reality TV concept. Blue Harvest marks what is probably the best "episode" since it returned. I say "episode" as I'm reviewing the DVD release, which was put out separately from the rest of the season as a 48 minute straight-to-DVD feature with scenes not in the original broadcast.

"High" Lights:

- Spot on spoof of Star Wars.

- Blue Harvest is actually pretty accurate in its critique of the film, pointing out the obvious:

* Greedo should NOT shoot first.
* Was Luke's uncle NEVER tempted to tell him the truth about his father (wasn't his uncle Jimmy Smits? - this isn't in the episode, I just realized it).
* Who the hell designs a massive space station - the fucking Death Star no less - with an area completely vulnerable to attack that would allow a single shot to destroy the entire thing?!?



* Chris as Luke: "Um, isn't a parsec a unit of distance, not time?"

And then there's the random, and just plain fucking funny:

- Chevy Chase and Beverly D'Angelo turn up to voice Clark and Lois Griswald from the Vacation series.



- Obi-Wan played by the pedo Herbert

- Darth Stewie

- "Aren't you a little fat to be a storm trooper?"

- Herbert's light saber is limp



- Meg is that muck-monster in the garbage compactor

- The Cantina band calls for requests - "Play that same song!"



- Pothead references a'plenty!

- The Doctor Who scene is trippy and made me smile



- Danny Elfman really does ruin everything. For reference, see the horrid score to Terminator: Salvation. Way to fuck something up when half the work is already done for you!

- "You still got that bag I gave you?"



My only complaints are this: Herbert is awesome in small doses, and I have no problem with twisted humour. I'm probably going to hell. But the "I'm having the Time of My Life" musical number was too fucking long. Ol' Herb's boy-luvin' ass needs to be kept to short scenes and quick jokes or he gets tiresome.

That, and they used Rush Limbaugh for a gag. Fuck that fat fuck. Yup, that's well-crafted criticism, I know.

Spaceballs also deserves a mention at this point - as does the oft forgotten Hardware Wars (yes I've seen it), from back in 1977, and the Robot Chicken spoof - kindly pointed out at the end of the episode.

Hardware Wars:

I simply cannot wait for the Empire Strikes Back spoof, entitled "Something Something Something Dark Side." Oh, and Bobba Fett is played by the fucking Chicken!

Overall rating: 3/4 Baked (4 out of 5)

Hancock (2008)

Release Date: 2008
Director: Peter Berg
Starring: Will Smith, Jason Bateman, Charlize Theron
Tagline: "He is saving the world whether we like it or not."
Random Trivia:Vince Gilligan, who wrote the second draft of the script - which had been floating around for a decade before Sony finally picked it up - was credited as a writer on over two dozen episodes of The X-Files, and also gained producer credits later in the series.

What can I say about Hancock... oh, I'm the fucking reviewer. That's right. A lot.

I was lightly baked - buzzed by the end - for this. I thought I'd throw that in for no reason other than this: I find that being high doesn't really make a bad movie enjoyable, or a good movie dull. The high simply enhances a good movie - and makes the flaws of a bad one all the more obvious.



Hancock is a movie that doesn't know where its going. Much like Will Smith's Hancock himself, it doesn't know what its purpose is, isn't sure of itself, and is, for the most part, wasted potential.

The basics: John Hancock, known simply as Hancock, is a superhero. Just not a very good one. He causes more harm than good. The public hates him. He's an alcoholic. And then one day, as much by happenstance as by skill, he saves Ray Embrey (Jason Bateman), a P.R. guy who decides to return the favor - by giving Hancock an image makeover.



It's a great concept. A destructive superhero. A fuckup. A guy who can't stop a freeway chase without causing 9$ million in damages. Of course, Smith is already familiar with expensive freeway chases, having been part of Bad Boys 2. And there's problem number one: Smith gives it his all - but he really can't pull off gruff. His fake-ass neat beard that was supposed to look unkempt annoyed the fuck out of me. Was the fucking thing drawn on?

Despite that, problem number two is the bigger issue here: Hancock should have been an awesome dark comedy, but it seems those in charge didn't have the balls to go all the way. Halfway through we start leaning towards a family-friendly outing. Sure, the word asshole is thrown around a lot, but we've got the cute kid, the bonding moments, the whole "do the right thing and good things will happen" story line.



And we get lame shit like Hancock asking someone if it's ok to save them...

Let me tell you about my vision of Hancock: Hancock is a fuck-up. He's a guy with super powers, who just doesn't give a shit. He does the bare minimum for a guy with his talents - he saves people, because that's his role, and he doesn't know what else to do with his time - other than drink. He uses the word fuck. He shows up with tramps at seedy motels. He tries, in vain, to figure out just what the fuck he is and where he fits in. He causes all sorts of chaos when he does try to "help" - and he doesn't stick around to defend himself. If a couple bystanders get hurt due to his efforts, he doesn't give a shit. He's got tunnel vision.

That sort of Hancock would have been interesting, but its as if the writers/director got half way there - and then pussied out.

Instead, we get a luke-warm tale of redemption with one of the most idiotically contrived plots I've seen in ages. Hancock believes he's the only one of his kind, immortal, and unstoppable - but he has a weakness. I won't spoil it, but keep an eye out for lingering close-ups from Hancock's perspective.



The movie has its moments - YouTube holding a collection of Hancock's failures, Charlize Theron being smoking hot as Embrey's wife Mary, and a whale toss (spoiled by many a commercial) - but then there's Hancock shoving a guy's head up another guy's ass, done off-screen and fully clothed to ensure a safe rating. And instead of the awesomely dark character study/black comedy that could have been, we get a cheerful Will Smith vehicle that just exists, for no real reason other than that it wouldn't be summer without a Will Smith blockbuster. Actually, is there even one this year?

Overall rating: 1/4 Baked (2 out of 5)

The Happening (2008)

Release Date: 2008
Director: M. Night Shyamalan
Starring: Mark Wahlberg, John Leguizamo, Zooey Deschanel
Tagline: "We've Sensed It. We've Seen The Signs. Now... It's Happening."
Random Trivia: M. Night Shyamalan plays the voice of Joey, who is never seen on-screen. This is the first movie directed by Shyamalan where he doesn't appear on-screen, but continues his trend of having a small role in each of his movies.

It's M. Night Shyamalan - expect a twist, right?



I'm going to do something rash right off the bat. I'm going to ruin the end of this movie for you. If you view this as a calamity and wish to avoid my betrayal of the script, skip this review. Leave now. However, if you wish to avoid the calamity that is this movie, carry on.

You sure?

Here we go:

The plants did it.

Considering how pathetically fucking obvious this is thanks to multiple, lingering, foreboding shots of trees, bushes, and fields, I'm not sure I've really given much away. M. Night Shyamalan is getting really lazy with his "big twist" moments at this point. In fact, there's no real "big twist" ending in this movie at all. There is an obvious set up for future events not seen mind you, but the reveal comes much, much earlier, and we spend half the movie watching Wahlberg and co. run in terror from a summer breeze.



Seriously.

I will say this. There is an awesomely trippy-when-high intro of clouds rolling across the sky. Or maybe that was just me. Ooh, now the sky has turned dark. Scary.

Cut to: Puppy dog. Not so scary.

Where were we? Oh yes. A movie review. M. Night has about 2 and 2/3rds worth when it comes to decent movies - The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable, and two thirds of Signs. Actually my main complaint there was with the final act - once the aliens are revealed, the scary goes away. But I'll get to that in a future review. For now, we have this Mark Wahlberg vehicle of man getting his ass kicked by nature. Not in a gory, the trees are alive, strangled by a vine kind of way, but in a slow build, suspenseful thriller. Or I guess that was the goal here. Whatever it was, it fell short of the mark.

Lets look at why:

- After a strong start - something's up in Central Park, some people have become seemingly frozen still, and a bunch are killing themselves (including a lemming effect off the high-rises - very creepy, excellent scene), Shyamalan reveals a lame-duck plot that really doesn't strike much terror into our hearts: Nature has been pushed to the brink. It decides to fight back.

- We know Wahlberg is going to survive. His portrayal of High School science teacher Elliot Moore is too goody-goody not to. Oh, and the first of many conveniences - someone with a background in science, who happened to be lecturing on the wonders of nature, gets stuck battling it (or fleeing from it, mostly).

- We're not really terrified of an enemy all leafy and green, and the idea of plants releasing airborne biological warfare against us, while interesting, is set up in such a haphazard way that it just becomes silly.



- Obvious foreshadowing, with "why are the bees disappearing?" asked in Wahlberg's classroom early in the film, and the usual global warming/pollution etc. answers come out. Seriously, you don't have to make things this obvious. The audience is not THAT brain-dead.

* My pot-addled brain thinks it just saw Cameron from Ferris Bueller's Day Off. A quick check of IMDB - yup, that's Alan Ruck! When Cameron was in Egypt's land...

- Oh, and while we're on the school topic - no way is Wahlberg that cool with his students, and no class is that well-trained. On top of that, half the kids they cast as extras are too YOUNG to be high school kids (the opposite of the usual 30-year-old teenager I suppose)

So once the "Happening" begins, Wahlberg, his wife, friend Leguizamo, and Leguizamo's daughter hook up and try to outrun it. Which brings me to my next bunch of flaws:



- John Leguizamo - I love the guy, seriously, but I can't stop thinking him of the clown from Spawn, and he really just doesn't pull off a believable daddy here. I mean seriously, your wife is in peril, fine, so you just leave your child in the middle of shit? Fuck the bitch, save your kid! Instead, he runs off to try and save his missing wife. Exit Leguizamo.

- My pet peeve - the convenient expository character. Need your plot explained? Just throw in a guy who happens to know everything about plants! And is weird, that way you can pass it off as
artistic/cool/creepy/zany/good writing!

So at this point in the film, the trees and their cohorts the evil bushes and shrubs are targeting smaller and smaller groups of humans. Trees, plants, whatever. Wahlberg just freaked out over a potted plastic tree. And then we meet another ludicrously convenient character:

The crazy old lady who lives on her own (not in a shoe) and has been immune as a result since the plants have focused on targeting groups.

That's right, the plants are going for mass casualties!

Oh look, she's already nuts! Oh, our group of survivors has brought death upon her! Oh noes!

Look, this is a seriously interesting concept. I don't fault Wahlberg or any of the actors despite my complaint about Leguizamo, but that's more my issue. Shyamalan needs to get back to basics though. Quit trying for funky concepts. Do something flat out scary.

And if you're going to do a "nature attacks" theme - don't have the heroes running from a summer breeze that may or may not be carrying some kind of spore that might kill large groups of humans - but somehow the trees control this breeze, and smaller groups and individuals are relatively safe.



Yes, it's fucking grass. You know, come to think of it - if the events of this movie were to take place, this site would be fucked... just saying...

Overall rating: 1/4 Baked (2 out of 5)