Hammer of the Gods (2009)

Release Date: 2009
Director: Todor Chapkanov
Starring: Zachery Ty Bryan, Melissa Leigh, Mac Brandt, Daz Crawford,
Alexis Peters
Tagline: "Vikings vs Werewolves."
Random Trivia: Zachery Ty Bryan. Yes, the oldest of the kids from Full House.

Thought we'd go for a different sort of B-movie today. This is very much a WTF casting affair. I'm pretty sure Hammer of the Gods went like this: Hey guys, we need a recognizable name to play Thor. But we can't afford anyone good. And most B-list celebs wouldn't touch the project. Is there anyone from a C or D list? No? E list? Washed up child star??? Oh, there we go.



Honestly, Zachery Ty Bryan would probably work for cheese at this point. He's been in virtually nothing since Home Improvement, and this marks the first time he's been a "star" in just about ever.

Here's the problem: Ol' Zach cannot act or deliver a line in any convincing fashion. He's just horrible. He tries for an accent, at times, but it's neither authentic or consistent. His supporting cast acts circles around him. Sure, this is DTV (or do we call it Direct to DVD now? Actually it might have been made for TV... not sure), but honestly, have some standards people!

As for the plot: Thor, along with his brother and other Vikings, heads out in search of the fabled hammer - you know it, you've seen it in comics most likely - only Thor is of the belief that his brother shall claim the hammer. Thor, you see, is just a little bit insecure. This is his coming out party, so to speak. And it has werewolves.

That's right. And Vikings vs. Werewolves is getting a tad desperate. I thought Shark vs. Crocodile was somewhat cool, but this is going overboard.

At least it has true B-movie unintentional comedy, like clothing dyed colours I'm fairly certain didn't exist in viking times, dialogue that drifts back and forth between vaguely authentic and oddly placed modern phrases, and lines like "Do not fail me again" - which has now officially been used in over 100 B movies! No, that's not a real stat.

You also have to love how snowfall picks up just for a climactic battle, where previously a single flake was nary to be seen.

And ooh, the vikings took only half the movie to figure out that the werewolves aren't just regular wolves, but made up of some of the local villagers.



Oh yeah - there's some female vikings and wolves to spice things up a bit. Basically a fail.

There's action, betrayal, and continuing blunders by Zach, who is in way over his head. It's dinner theatre bad. Watching a train wreck bad. I mean, if you can't even make a line like "not until we've killed everything on this island" work in the context of a B-movie, you're just...

Never give this guy a role again. I really hate to pan an actor this blatantly, but...

I'll stop this clusterfuck here. You know Thor will get the Hammer and save the day. Save yourself the pain, even if you love B-movies and utter cheese - skip this.

Overall Rating: Buzzed (1 out of 5)