Director: Simon Hunter
Starring: Thomas Jane, Ron Pearlman, John Malkovich, Devon Aoki, Anna Walton
Tagline: "The darkest age is yet to come. Have faith."
Random Trivia: Devon Aoki was in D.E.B.S., which I've played a drinking game to. Thomas Jane was in the recently reviewed (on this site) The Mist. The movie is based on a role-playing game.
Well then. I had no idea what Mutant Chronicles was going into it. I don't even remember this playing in theatres. But as I'm apt to do, I threw it on last night while blazing and discovered something... I still have no idea what Mutant Chronicles is. A futuristic war movie? Kinda. A knock-off of Lord of the Rings with a lesser budget? Somewhat. A comic book movie? Well yes except it's based on a game, or so I've read. Over-the-top action? Yeah...
Basic plot: Way off in the distant future, mankind is run entirely by corporations. These divide the world into four segments, each controlled by a competing entity. They serve, basically, as governments, and reminded me a fair bit of Orwell's 1984. The corporations are at war, a war which uncovers an ancient lair, and within it, an ancient machine, sent from another galaxy, which turns humans into blood-thirsty mutants. This machine has been covered up for centuries, only to be re-opened by the fighting. And so mankind finds itself at the mercy of the mutant hordes...
But meanwhile, back in Gotham... erm... where ever - Thomas Jane is Mitch Hunter, a soldier whose best friend winds up taken by the mutants before anyone even knows what they are. His job, he likes to say, is to "fuck shit up" - and he's soon recruited by Ron Pearlman's Brother Samuel, a monk of sorts who holds the key to stopping the machine - an ancient bomb which came from the machine itself, and an ancient holy book that describes its location and inner workings.
The plot, at this point, jumps from a gritty future war with World War I era-style uniforms and antique-looking but powerful weapons, and becomes a noble quest to stop the machine for the good of mankind. It suffers from a case of ADD, and some serious mis-casting. Ron Pearlman is awesome most of the time - but a good monk he does not make. Ol' Ron should have been in a soldier's uniform for this one. Thomas Jane fares better - he really does have leading man chops but the script and lack of focus really let him down on this one.
And the rest of the characters - we hardly knew ye! Devon Aoki - you might remember her from Sin City - plays the usual tough hot chick, except this time out there's two tough hot chicks, so add in the nun-like Severian (Anna Walton), since the movie seems to think that bigger is better. On top of that you get the snooty brit who happens to be a badass, the slick asian guy who happens to be a badass, the hispanic dude who happens to be a badass... you can see where this is going.
The group travels down into the catacombs to the lost city - which looks a lot like a deserted, decayed modern day city - and heads into the machine, battling mutants all along the way.
A nitpick here: All the mutants look pretty much the same. Big ugly vampire types - pale skin, sharp teeth - with skewers for arms.
Some variety would have been nice.
The melding of technology and mythology is interesting at times, but that's about as much credit as I can really give Mutant Chronicles. If bored on a rainy day, give it a go. Just don't expect any miracles.
Oh - one of my baked observations - John fucking Malkovich is in this. Why the fuck hasn't he been in more lately? Someone give the guy a Hannibal Lecter style role, please. He's amazing. At least he's in the upcoming Jonah Hex movie.
Overall rating: 1/4 Baked (2 out of 5)
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