Bitten (2008)

Release Date: 2008
Director: Harvey Glazer
Starring: Jason Mewes, Erica Cox, Richard Fitzpatrick
Tagline: "Relationships can be Draining."
Random Trivia: Jason Mewes really wasn't acting in the Jay and Silent Bob films... and he's really not acting here! But we still love him. Discovered by Kevin Smith at a gas station. Seriously. He's worked at a video store and the Quick Stop. Sound familiar?

I'm giving this review the subtitle of "When Stunt Casting Goes Wrong, Part 2" - but I'll tell you what, I actually enjoyed this. For the record, "When Stunt Cast Goes Wrong, Part 1" would be Hammer of the Gods. Make no mistake: Bitten is far more entertaining that that pile of dreck.

It will by no means win any awards, but I found Bitten to be a rather surreal relationship movie, with naked, bloody vampire sex, hot bi-curious vampire action, and oddly timed necro moments. Well, there never really is a good time for necrophilia.



Jason Mewes plays Jason Mewes, as a medic. Ok, technically, his character's name is Jack. But he's Jason Mewes, medic guy, if you could believe he would somehow get through school, training, and be hired as the most foul-mouthed medic ever.

Jack's got a bitch of an ex-girlfriend and no social life due to working the graveyard shift. His only friend is his much older partner, Roger, a foul-mouthed perv who at least genuinely seems to care about Jack.

Then one night, after passing by the neighborhood junkies, Jack finds a half-naked, blood covered Danika (Erica Cox) in a pile of trash. Assuming she's OD'd, or maybe been attacked, he takes her in and cares for her after she refuses medical treatment.

Roger thinks she's a junkie, strung out on something. He's half right.

Danika, it turns out, is a vampire. Being something of a good girl, she tries to fight the hunger, but cannot control it. Mewes tries all the tricks - feeding her a cat, stealing a packet of blood from work, using himself - but Danika needs large servings of fresh, human blood. And by this time, Mewes is in love with her.



After Danika kills Jack's ex during a surprise visit, things get out of hand. In short succession, they begin knocking off local pimps and pushers to satiate her hunger, but it's not long before the supply of seedy assholes runs short. On top of this, Danika gets off on blood drinking. Their blood covered romp with his ex's corps just feet away is topped only by a passionate threesome with the spare girl winding up dead in a pool of blood between the sheets.



Fresh kills and bloody sex. If this turns you on, please have a seat over there...

Random thoughts between tokes:

- Remember the wannabe Jason Mewes in Freddy vs. Jason? Remember how they should have just hired the real Jason Mewes, because the role was pretty much a completely blatant rip-off of his Jay character?

- How badly did Mewes need crack money to do this? Ok, all joking aside, like I said I liked this movie to some extent, and Mewes is what he is - actually, he showed he can throw in something extra as Lester in Zack and Miri Make a Porno. Here he's himself, which works sometimes, and at sometimes really drags you out of the movie.

Erica Cox is cute and hot as needy vampire babe Danika. And has a great ass, which definitely helped my enjoyment of this movie.



Eventually, Jack realizes that forever is a long time, and Erica has to go. Some relationships just aren't mean to last.

Overall Rating: Half-Baked (3 out of 5)